I am the Lone Ranger.

 2017:

I broke down to my oldest brother on the phone the other day.

I had been on the edge, feeling like I was going to burst but didn't have a release. The timing was better than I could've asked for. We don't normally talk, but he and I had been meaning to catch up for a couple of weeks. Conversation started simple enough...what are you up to, how's the day...and then a simple question asked with a simple and genuine tenderness ripped me wide open. "So how are you doing?"

I was silent for a few seconds, debating on how surface-level I wanted to keep this. But I felt a comfort in saying the words I was about to say to someone I trusted and admired. "I'm struggling." I said, and it was as if those two words were the key to the floodgates. I broke.

Things spilled out of me, a mix of worries and poison and sadness. I didn't feel like a worthy human being, either in work or in life. I set standards for myself that were vague and unreachable, my position felt vague and unreachable, and it drove me down into dark places. People have this opinion of me, that I am good, I am worthy. They feel like just words, because I do not share that opinion...people who say that don't know that I am not good. I am broken. No one is acknowledging that, and in my mind they are mutually exclusive. I can either be good and worthy, or broken and not good enough. My brother gently reminded me that they are not mutually exclusive; we are all broken, no one is perfect. And that there are many rays of sunshine. His listening and measured and thoughtful advice was the quiet strength and safe space I needed to spit out these thoughts that I had not been able to form words for out loud before.

Feelings I wanted grace for continued to tumble out of me. I apologized for being a distant aunt. Not good enough. Not worthy to be a godmother to one of his daughters, because I have also felt so distant in my faith. He listened and said something that went like lightening straight to my heart.

"Katie, you are not falling short on anyone's scorecard."

9 words that addressed how I felt about my life. Falling short on everyone's scorecard. 9 words that both named and began to dismantle that lie I had believed for so long.

I wanted to completely let go and wrap myself in the grace, truth and love that my brother was speaking to me. I wish I had let out more, but I felt like I was losing control of myself and my emotions in front of someone else, and I have a long-standing wall against that. Don't be too much, don't be too vulnerable. Crying is weakness, crying is shame. I'm sorry for being too emotional. I'm sorry for being less than convenient. I'm sorry for sharing the crap that I carry, because your load is probably heavy enough. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to carry it alone.

I have tried to make myself fit into other people's lives, to make it easy for them to like me because I could adapt to be like them. I would always make the effort if I could, even if they were less than kind. I'd be flexible and tolerant at the expense of my opinions, my values, or my well-being. And I would come to the end of those efforts feeling like a shadow, barely existing.

I'm working on building myself back up, with help. Realizing my worthiness, and that it's not a zero sum game. I am worthy, and you are worthy. I want to cultivate a group of belonging...people who inspire me to be myself, and celebrate that. And vice versa. A true vulnerable community that is there for each other where I don't feel alone in the midst of it. No judgement. I don't really have that now, but I realize that it is built on first recognizing that I am worthy of one.

I want to be done hiding.

Memories.

I've been thinking a lot about memories lately. They've always been fascinating to me...seemingly vivid and rich yet also fickle and fragile. Sights, sounds, and smells can reactivate memories in an instant, whether recent or further back.

The sound of my mom's wedding ring sliding on the laminate countertop as she wipes it clean transports me to childhood.

I see french bread and brie at Sprouts, and I'm back in college with Lindsey as she introduced me to the perfect meal.

Every time I look at my "fancy hipster hats", as I like to call them, I think of Larry who managed the Goorin Bros hat shop. He was also randomly the guy who organized the open mic nights at the bar where I played and sang at my first one. He was incredibly kind when I was so extremely nervous.

I think of Heather, my best friend from high school and part of college. Our friendship is still woven into some phrases I randomly say ("aw look, he's happy!"), or some bands from our high school days that we used to blast from her car windows. I remember her laugh and the way she'd prop up her left foot on the window while driving. I see something that reminds me of her and I wish her well in my thoughts.

Or every time I play shuffleboard, I think of that random, lovely girl at the dive bar in Boulder. She took the time to come in and give me a drunken hug (remember hugs?) and tell me that I was beautiful and she just had to tell me that.

So many memories, so many people leaving an imprint. Some memories constrict my heart with pain or squeeze my insides with awkwardness, some memories light up my face with joy, and most others are well-worn enough to be soft to the touch. All of which give me a chance to recreate and expand on what I love and leave what I don't. We are made up of our experiences. The layers are endless. We can appreciate the people who started the thread and we can continue to weave in new thoughts, experiences, and dreams for our life.

A life without FOMO.

How are you guys holding up?

Gratitude has been a common theme for me. Grateful for a job. For virtual morning coffee dates and nighttime drink dates. For being able to still get outside for a walk. For teletherapy. For Instant Pots and weighted blankets, and exercise videos on YouTube. For Netflix. For the amazing things that people are doing during this time and the creative ways people are contributing to the well-being of others. I'm currently listening to a beautiful livestream of the lead singer of Young the Giant, Sameer Gadhia, on Twitch. It's these tiny moments that help string together what feels like endless days.

Another pro: this is probably the closest we'll get to no FOMO, or fear of missing out. An interesting thought.

Years ago, I chose some of my favorite words, wrote them together, and framed them. One day I decided to write out phrases to go with these words, and I found them in my photo album last night. It made me smile. Instead of sharing these words with you in one big chunk, I'd like to break them up into a few posts and add some context about what they mean to me and why I chose the phrases that I did.

awaken to the call inside of you.

I wrote these words in 2015, but I have felt the most awake this past year. Leaving my job was the biggest decision I made to move closer to what I wanted to do with my life, but I've also made other decisions that have brought me closer and closer to where I need to be.

Speaking specifically to this unique time in life with the pandemic, I've woken up from routine. Things that I've always expected would be there are either limited or no longer there. Loved ones are directly impacted. I need to be on my game to help. We all need to be.

thrive right now.

I've always loved the word "thrive". In reading it I can immediately sense the meaning...not just living, not just getting by, but living life from the heights to the depths. Feeling everything, moving through everything, and coming out more sure of who you are on the other end.

reflect on how far you've come.

When I really sit and think about it, I am blown away at how far I've come over the years. I consistently feel more settled in myself with each passing year and each experience. I remember the days where the unknown scared me immensely...it was easier to follow others and take on their opinions because I was afraid to risk making people uncomfortable by being myself. I was afraid to ask questions, afraid of being wrong, and afraid of being an outsider. I still have those fears pop up occasionally, but I have tools to work them back down and re-wire them to better thoughts.

explore what it means to be YOU.

I'm a fan of self-reflection, but having this intense period of solo time is showing me new things even still. I'm trying to take those things, sit on them, and then work towards ways to be a better version of myself.

play every single moment.

It's so important to remember to play, especially as adults. That's why I love being around children; they show you what it means to be unrestrictedly joyful. When I was in Jamaica for a mission trip in college, we went to a school in a town called Friendship and played games with the children. I just remember being so amazed at how many games they could come up with by just linking hands in a giant circle. It was the most fun I had had in a long time. In this time of quarantine, playing can look like using goofy filters on FaceTime calls, photoshopping faces onto funny pictures, or playing games with friends on video calls. I'm trying to seek out more of these opportunities.

experience true love.

Love has always been on my brain. Apparently, according to a survey I took for an online course recently, it is my #1 signature strength. I've always valued close relationships with others and tend to make them a priority in decision-making. This unfortunately has also brought me to many relationships and friendships where I lost myself and got absorbed in others. For so long I focused on what I needed to be on a person-by-person basis, making myself a chameleon to changing whims, but in the last year I've focused more on who I want to be as a complete person, an authentic friend and a true partner. It's a constant learning experience but I feel like that's how it should be; I always want to be looking for ways to be the best version of myself.

listen for the unspoken.

I am a grade-A listener. Additionally I am a highly sensitive person and can feel the energy and tension of a room when I walk into it. This is a pro and a con, because often this keeps me from being truly myself regardless of what others may think. For example, if I sense someone is uncomfortable, I will refrain from potentially contributing anything to the conversation/situation that would make that person feel even more uncomfortable. This is something that I'm working on balancing better. That said, listening in general is so important. You don't miss what someone might not be saying.

inspire everyone's best self.

When you truly appreciate someone for who they are, they shine. I've seen this time and time again at work while I was training, mentoring and managing, and with friends when I've called out things that I've noticed about them that I really appreciate. I love all of the people I surround myself with and I want to make sure they know that consistently.

Love to you, friends. Thanks for reading.

Heart things. [Part III]

A lot of things to say this month, which is a nice change after feeling dormant for awhile. I wanted to continue the theme of "heart things", since today is the holiday of the heart. A lot of people have very strong opinions about Valentine's Day, but I've always loved it as a reminder to show a little extra love to the people in your life. I've only spent 3 Valentine's Days with significant others, so the day has always been characterized by showing love to my friends, family and coworkers. I miss the days where you'd go and pick out valentines to hand out, excitedly picking themed ones with your favorite pattern/color/cartoon character/movie character. I'd know immediately which ones I wanted to give to my best friends (the biggest one with the best saying) and which ones I'd probably give to the people I didn't get along with very well in class (without being too mean). Throughout my career I still liked to get little valentines for my coworkers, just to brighten the day.

This year I'm without coworkers, but that's ok. I still received lovely texts, sent some of my own, and wore a pretty red shirt.

Happy heart things:

• A St. Bernard puppy named "Garbanzo" exists
• My friend asking me to be background vocals and guitar in live performances of his upcoming album (more on this in a later post, because this is SUPER exciting for me!)
• Running into a local on the street today and getting a potential new freelance gig from it
• Sweet texts
• Excitement, intention and consistency
• Feeling heard
• When a smile gets stuck on your face
• "You Make My Dreams" by Hall & Oates
• Gifts from friends
• New adventures ahead

May you be aware of all of the love in your life today and always, friends. Happy Valentine's Day!

[More] heart things.

I felt like a follow-up was needed after my previous post...

1.) I PASSED! I passed the aPHR. It was actually pretty funny because at the end of the test there was a notice that said "results will come in 24 to 48 hours", so I was like...cool. Not today. And then I left the testing center and they gave me a paper that I promptly folded up and put in my pocket so that I could leave as quickly as possible. I'm texting everyone saying "yeah I don't know how I did, hopefully alright but there were some vague questions. We'll see." Fast forward about an hour and a half. I finally think to myself "oh, I wonder what that paper was". So I look at this paper and the very first paragraph says "Congratulations! You've passed the exam!" Hahaha. If only I would've paid more attention to what was right in front of me. Regardless, I'm excited and some next steps are in the works.

2.) My heart is still beating. Irregularly, but that's normal. I actually had a very strange experience with both the cardiologist and the nurse, and will probably try to find somewhere else to go after my upcoming tests. Results on my condition are unknown until then, basically. Patience.

I had a lovely "Galentine's Day" dinner with some friends tonight, and it was so good to see them after so long. And so strange, because my life was the hot topic of conversation and it's changed a lot since I've seen them. I learned some things that were hard to hear. And I said some things that were hard to say. Regardless, I stayed true to who I was and still am. But processing the conversation after getting home was emotional for me and I'm so glad that I'm going to bed.

Life is just so weird. And lovely. And heart-wrenching, and thought-provoking, and terrifying, and often wonderful. I'm grateful to be living it.

Night, friends.

Brainstew.

I am currently sitting in Odell Brewing in Rino, sipping on water and enjoying some Green Day (did you catch the title? Very fitting). I am full - today was a great day. It started off with making monkey bread and planning a trip to Boston (I CAN'T WAIT!). Then I drove up to Thornton, visited my parents and had a good chat about life with mom. One of those cleansing kinds of talks that involve tears, hugs, understanding and love. It ended at Odell with a friend/coworker to talk work and life with a background playlist magically curated to us; mostly pop punk/alternative goodness from the early 2000s. I'm not going to lie - I'm the most discombobulated I feel like I've ever been and sitting on the edge of one of the most unpredictable years of my life. But I cherish these moments where it feels like it's all going to work out...(it is).

I'm used to living a templatized life. I have 4 older siblings who have lived life 8-15 years ahead of me, so I felt like I "knew" what to expect in terms of kids, marriage, etc and there would be no surprises. But what I'm realizing is that I was witnessing their lives, and they would still differ from my own. And there would be PLENTY of surprises. I'm used to validating my life against other people..."they did that and it worked out, great!" But I'm venturing into territory that is uniquely my own, and I'm simultaneously terrified and exhilarated. It feels like me, but with no one else to "validate" it but myself, it feels somehow "wrong". I'm learning that this isn't the case with help from a lot of supportive people in my life. And I'm so grateful for that.

I will end this with a letter to 2019.

Dear 2019,

How are you today? I'm doing pretty well. (This is how I write letters). I'm excited to be here with you. I feel like you will know the me-ist version of me. Are you ready? I feel like you will involve a lot of change, excitement, love, tears (of anxiety and joy), and a lot of unknown. I'm ready for it if you are. Let's do this. :)

Love,

Katie

Dear 23-year-old me.

People normally write to their 16-year-old selves. The thing is, when I was 16, I still had some semblance of structure in my life. I was going to finish up high school and head to the same college that most of my older siblings went to, and then my life would probably magically unfold for me after that.

But 23, that’s a different story. At 23 I was done riding the graduation high, and I was past hope that I’d find a decent job right out of the gate. The structure I had gotten so comfortable in for about 17 years suddenly fell away, and I was expected to immediately be an adult. Enter: the first of about 80 identity crises. Not to mention that my most useful class in my entire school career from a practicality standpoint was “quantitative reasoning”, which taught us what math could look like in the real world. That insane college tuition was totally worth it, right? RIGHT?!...*eye twitches*.

Let me set the stage: I was working at World Market in suburbia and living at my parents’ house, still trying to swallow the hard pill of not getting out of college with a salaried job and money in the bank. My low point was considering being a family counselor at a cremation company in the strip mall 10 minutes away; even more defeating was the fact that I probably wasn't even qualified with my B.A. in Psychology. Far from college friends, I tried to find a "new" set of friends in close proximity. I also tried going to church consistently for some semblance of comfort. But I was ultimately was still focused on guys and what people thought about me.

In reading my old journal entries, I just wanted to give my 23-year-old self a hug. This one entry particularly disturbed me:

"Here I am; manipulative, selfish, inconsiderate, lost, striving, overwhelmed, bitchy, hypocritical, UNWORTHY. I am disgusting, vile, nothing of my own doing is good. Or at least that's what I feel like. Every good thing I have is You [God]. Every good thing I am is You. I don't deserve friends, happiness, generosity, or anything...and yet You bless me with it every day."

I've seen a handful of posts with that dialogue and it doesn't feel like me. I was just a scared, lost post-grad who wanted a boyfriend more than anything and sought value in other people constantly. I wasn't a horrible human; I still focused on being kind and loving, even if it wasn't to myself. The fact that I wrote "vile" and "disgusting" among other descriptors is sad and almost humorous because it sounds like something out of a radical sermon. But that's really what I felt like...I was so overwhelmed with my life that I "surrendered" it. Turns out that still meant feeling everything, wondering why it wasn't changing, and feeling helpless and out of control.

Looking back, what would I say to that girl?

I would tell her she's more powerful than she could ever imagine, and she deserves to be heard. Her contribution is valuable. I would tell her that she deserves a guy who's interested and friends who feel like sunshine. She doesn't need to mute herself to let others shine; it's not a zero-sum game. Everyone matters, including her. 

I would tell her that no one gives a true crap about pivot table skills in advertising for entry-level positions. I would tell her not to waste too much of her time chasing that stupid flaky wedding photographer, that apathetic guy from church or that close-minded and judgmental dude from high school. Although each of them have helped shape her in the rock tumbler of life, I would tell her that eventually those people would fade away and new, more amazing people would come in their place.

I would tell her that it's ok to question her faith, and she should dig in and question it more even if the answers weren't the ones she grew up knowing. That she would still be ok.

I would tell her to talk back to the critical voice in her head and say the opposite to startle it into silence. I would tell her that it eventually starts to speak less and less, and knows it is not welcome.

I would tell her that the satisfaction of her days would be measured less by how many guys talked to her or checked her out, and more in lattes, books, laughter, words, hugs and tiny details.

I would tell her to stop hiding. And to not define herself by paths already taken by people in her life. She has everything to contribute, and is her own person but also a beautiful combination of interactions with everyone else.

I would tell her I love her, and that it will only get better.

And I am so thankful for that. At the end of my 23rd year, I found an internship at an advertising agency that would jumpstart the next 6.5 years of my life. I moved out of my parents' house down to Wash Park to have a whole new set of adventures. I learned more about what it means to be me.

At 29, things are better still. I have so many amazing supports in my life, I've created 3 roles and elevated my career, and I am living in Denver. It's definitely not all roses; I often ride an emotional roller coaster and am scared for some big changes that I want to make, but I know that my 35-year-old self would say: "I love you, and it will only get better".

Thanks for reading, friends.

Days 14, 15, 16, 17

Hi friends,

All caught up today! Enjoy the pics and some random thoughts below.

Intricate flower patterns

This is the shape I take at...hipster flea markets

I love anything that can take a picture.

*deep breath*

There are many patterns in the way we do things. One of my patterns that I noticed tonight at a work happy hour was that whenever I am meeting someone new and I have a good conversation with them, I always question it after the fact. I go into hyper-analysis mode and think "ok, how did I potentially mess that up or misinterpret the fact that it was going so well?" It's pretty exhausting. And to what end? Let's say I'm a complete weirdo in the conversation (which is bound to happen when you fully embrace potential awkwardness)...what's it really going to matter? Especially when all that the other girl was probably thinking was "oh my gosh, what is she thinking about me? I can't believe I just said that". I don't even want to know how much time I've wasted thinking about what other people think about me or how they feel about me. How do I feel about me? How do I seek to be more than just the negative space between people's opinions?

It can take many a shape. What is the shape I take when I'm at work? At home, alone? With friends? Are those shapes similar or drastically different? I'm noticing that as I get older, those shapes are looking more and more similar. They don't have to be the same; I'm a private person and I will share certain things with close friends over coworkers. I will also be able to talk about certain things with coworkers that friends may not understand. Both are valuable and have a place in my life. My goal is to have the base of those shapes be the person that I am at home, alone, without anyone else's input.

An ongoing battle, but a worthy one.

Sitting around the table at tonight's happy hour, we continue discussing the theme of favorite technology. A normal topic for those who live in the digital advertising industry, of course. Why wouldn't we subscribe to the things we use to persuade and transform internet users into retail customers? The funny thing is, I don't like ads. I didn't like them before I got into this industry because they looked like they would deliver a virus onto my computer as soon as I clicked. And now I'm not a fan of them after because I know too much of what goes behind them. I find myself wanting to shop on my own terms, and not have a banner prompting me to return to shoes that I was looking to buy 3 days ago ("I'll buy them when I'm ready, dammit! I know what you're trying to do here..."). That said, if ads are going to show regardless, I'd rather have them be relevant. Or at least that's what I tell everyone...it's hard to be in an industry that you don't 100% subscribe to.

It was a strange, imposter-feeling night despite the good conversation and laughs. Those come around occasionally, and thankfully aren't here to stay. No need to read people's minds and assume thoughts that they probably aren't even thinking.

So instead, I stop. Breathe, and look up.

Night, friends. And thanks for reading :)

Days 11, 12, 13

Bear with me as I catch up, friends. It was a great weekend! Unfortunately I did not take as many pictures as I should've. I will slowly be catching up this week :)

I have a handy little set of lenses that my mom got me for Christmas for my phone camera, and they're a lot of fun. This one in particular is for close-ups so I decided to see what a bag buckle would look like. Turns out, it's pretty cool.

Comfort. For me, one of the most comforting things is a hot beverage in my hands on a cold day. Especially if it has latte art. Because who doesn't love latte art? Probably the same people who don't love coffee...and don't have souls. ;) Just kidding. I know people have legitimate reasons for not drinking it/liking it. But it makes me so happy!

Another thing that makes me happy is the juxtaposition of snow against the color of the fall leaves. We got a bit of snow on Sunday, which was kind of fun and cozy if you weren't driving in it. I read an entire book! After an awesome morning of sleeping in and wandering to the coffee shop with one of my favorite people, it was a great combo.

I've been brainstorming ways to transform this blog into a new concept. More to come on that!

Stay warm, friends :)

Days 6, 7 & 8

It was a great weekend. Unfortunately, I slacked on a few of my pictures...which means today you get 3! It is also a bit of a throwback Thursday; instead of taking new pictures I decided to edit a few older ones that have been sitting on my computer. Enjoy :)

The first? Well, what's possibly shinier than the Bean (errr...I mean, "Cloud Gate")? I went to Chicago for the first time at the beginning of March and it was a really great work trip. It's a big city with a laidback feel, and I could see myself living there if I could handle the weather. It was a very dreary morning and my coworkers and I decided to trek to this very famous sculpture. Definitely worth it, especially since most people didn't want to be out in the pouring rain. This picture does not do the size or the shininess justice...it was cool, and I was a shameless tourist.

This next picture is from a solo trip that I took to Steamboat Springs last fall. It was an unexpected, last-minute trip that came after I decided to cancel a trip to Portland and needed some headspace. I took a 4 hour drive to an Air BnB, met a giant Newfie named Chewie, ate almond milk mozzarella, drank wine and chatted advertising with my host (a human, not Chewie), and briefly met his neighbor who was a former-Olympic-Nordic-combined-skier-turned-bear hunter. The trip was wonderfully unplanned from start to finish and was a welcome distraction. I snapped this pic on the deck of the house; I love the contrast of the ground with the fading sky.

And finally, weather. Today would've been PERFECT to take a picture of given that it was a misty, cloudy day. But by the time I realized this, it was already too dark. But that's ok because I came across this picture; I went on a hike in Frisco last October instead of doing laundry, and it was a fantastic decision. This cloudy weather is my favorite to hike in and makes me feel like I can hike for miles. Grateful for views of yellow trees against a heather gray sky.

Thanks for reading, friends!

Day 4: Texture

Tonight was a lovely night making a new recipe with a special someone and a new thing: spaghetti squash. Is there a more perfect thing for "texture"? We decided to try this recipe and it was a success! Would definitely recommend if you want to try something new with a coconut curry-type flavor. The most fun part (besides eating it) was "fluffing up" the spaghetti squash with a fork; there's just something really satisfying about how easy the warm squash comes apart with the fork and transforms into spaghetti-like strings. And? It even looked like the official recipe pictures.

A successful night. :)

People, Places, Things.

Sometimes it is just crazy to me what a wealth of memory we have. Memories tied to places, places tied to people and you're left riding on waves of nostalgia...sometimes exhilarated, sometimes nauseated, and maybe somewhere in between. Where did the time go? It's a reminder of the depth of life, and especially the depth of your own.

This past Saturday, I went shopping at the mall with my close friend Andrea. We walked by Dillard's and were reminded of a time during freshman year of college when we went to go try on prom dresses and take pictures for the heck of it. As we remembered back on this and stared at each other with a gleam in our eyes, we decided, "why not?". We each picked out our favorite and least favorite dresses and decided to have some fun with it again.

We somehow managed to pick out the same dressing room, and jokingly took a few pictures. Strangely enough it wasn't until we were back at our cars and looking over our old pictures from 8 years ago that I got a tangible reminder of where I had been compared to where I am now. And all of the feelings that came along with that.

In hindsight, I was really insecure and had no self-love back then. Everything I was, everything I had could be changed and in my mind needed to be changed if life was going to get to where I wanted it to be. There was a finish line, and ultimate physical beauty (and everything that came with that benefit) was at the end of it. To make it there seemed like an impossible but necessary feat.

Now, I know myself, and I can truly say that I love myself. Instead of focusing on a finish line, I'd rather focus on the present moment. I have a relationship with my body that is nurturing instead of hateful, and I have a confidence in what I do and who I am. Is that 100% of the time? No. Life isn't perfect but I wouldn't trade this grounded feeling for any sort of re-do of the past.

To say that I am grateful overall for where I am now compared to then is an understatement, but I am learning to appreciate the journey more and more. It is those memories that remind us of our immense depth and strength. We are not just that 9-5 drag, or that terrible work meeting. We are superheroes jumping off of the fireplace with blanket capes. We are the awkward middle schoolers writing notes to our crush. We are the brave ones heading off to college or a new job or a new place. We are the "new kids" trying to make friends, who eventually do make friends. Really good ones. We take risks, we excel, we love, we hurt, we breathe, we create. We try on prom dresses at 26 (or maybe that's just me).

It reminds me of a Rumi quote that I love:

Don't forget your depth, friends. Cheers to you, and to this rare day.

Fight for yourself.

Here I sit on this quiet night, my journal open in front of me to an entry I wrote this same day last year, just after Christmas and before the new year. It tells of a darker time: "...I feel drained, empty, hurt, angry, frustrated, confused, helpless, worthless, cynical, jaded, hopeless, afraid, anxious, exhausted, insincere, disconnected, apathetic". And I had ended the entry with "sleep, the reprieve".

It was rough, and a crippling cocktail of feelings. Honestly I had been stuck in a melancholy for as long as I could remember. Easy to gloss over during the day, but not so much at night when it's just you and your thoughts. It was so steady that I felt it to be the norm...it wasn't severe enough to be too alarming, but I knew it wasn't how I was supposed to feel.

In the new year, I decided some things. I was going to break the melancholy once and for all...however I could. My New Years resolution? To fight for myself, and fight to do lovely things for myself. Because it is only then that I could give to others how I should and view others as I should. I wanted to recognize myself, love myself, and choose my side instead of the lies that creep in all too often. Because if you're not on your own side, what else do you have really?

There have been pivotal moments this year that have been the agents of immense growth in my life. But they came in the form of conversations and books, laughter and new people. I'm still at the same job and in the same apartment as last year, and it's been comforting to know that you can still change while remaining still in other ways.

To start off the year I had a conversation with a close friend in which she told me that she observed my melancholy triggers to be guys and social media. I knew this, but it was something about hearing it from her that clicked with me. Since I could control one of those things, I began a 9-month break from Instagram and Facebook that left me feeling instantly lifted and present.

My behavior changed. I no longer put myself down. If I started to have a thought that was self-degrading ("I shouldn't have said that, that was dumb", "I don't look good today", etc), I stopped myself mid-thought in my mind and never spoke it out loud. I graciously accepted compliments. If I caught others putting themselves down the same way, I would tell them not to. After time you become so much kinder to yourself, and it's a beautiful and restoring thing.

Another thing that helped me was a bible verse, Jeremiah 31:4. This was refreshing because I have been in a dry spell with the church and my faith has taken a much different shape than church every Sunday. But it was just after the new year, and the pastor at Bloom gave a sermon on limping into the new year instead of skipping. I really connected with it, and I took from it this verse:

"You will build us back up again, and we will be rebuilt". 

We will be rebuilt. This gave me a simple peace that I was craving, and became my mantra for the beginning of 2015 that ended up framing my whole year.

Another main one was a book that I read in March, called The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. It completely shifted how I view the world and my own thoughts, and I became less controlled by them in tangible ways that allowed me to have more energy and feel lighter in life.

There are many other contributing factors, but those were the main ones that allowed me to rise above the mainstay melancholy that I had grown accustomed to. I am so grateful for this year and for growth. It has opened me up to meet some amazing new people who have also shaped me, and to continue to connect with the current people in my life in healthier ways. 

I am genuinely excited for 2016, and I hope that you can say the same. And if you feel like you're limping into the new year instead of skipping, it's ok. I hope that you can find the courage to fight for yourself and seek what you need.

Cheers, friends! <3

The more you do, the less you know.

It's been awhile, friends. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. And I'm realizing that the more I move through life and experience things, the less I feel like I know.

Can you relate just off of that one sentence?

I know it sounds contradictory. It's not to say that I haven't learned and gained wisdom from my experiences, but these experiences have taught me that you never know what you think you know. I've been trying over the past 8 months to change my thinking and how I live my life. Big shifts have led to new philosophies, new people, and new experiences that I am so grateful for. I have been untethered, but in an exciting way. Untethered but rooted in parts of myself I hadn't known...and it's been both painful and rewarding.

A big part of this has been letting go of everything I think I know about things. Relationships, friendships, work. It's almost as if up to this point I had been working with formulas in my mind of how things should be made up in order to equal what I needed.

Dating relationships, for example. I thought I knew what it involved for the most part...even especially so watching so many friends in their relationships and with my previous dating experiences. Not to say that I understood it, but that I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted and how I was going to act in one. Well, wrong. Dating has shown me that everything I ever constructed about what this all would feel like was essentially flawed by the fact that no matter how I'm acting, the person I'm with is not going to fit into my formula. Everyone is different. Thank God, really. But it has been one of those tough yet rewarding experiences that is continually shaping me.

Friendships. Here, I am learning the ebb and flow of friends in my life. I was off of social media for the past 10 months, and got back on last week. What I found was that people's lives had just kept going (weird, right?), and there was much to catch up on. But at the same time I was grateful for that time away because although I am interested in the updates of those people's lives, I knew that I had stayed up to date on the lives of those closest to me without social media while still maintaining a sense of space in my own life. This is a season of appreciating those friends, and focusing on fostering those friendships.

Work. My job has surprised me by morphing into what I need right now. I've shifted my thinking from the future to right now, and I think that's made all the difference. I'm trying new things, excelling, and overall enjoying the relationships and knowledge I've gained there.

The pieces of our lives sit so delicately balanced from day to day, and sometimes it doesn't take much to throw it all into turmoil. It is because of this that I am trying to be more present than ever before, and not live in fear of the future but in awareness of the present. When my mind is racing at a thousand miles an hour, a new, calmer voice responds...let it go. Whatever will be, will be. For me remaining in this awareness takes a lot of laughter, deep breaths, yoga, good company, some occasional tears, and a good amount of wine and/or good beer. It's not easy, but it's been worth it so far.