I'm slowly coming around to an idea. Life is more than salaries and benefits and 401ks...more than perfect schools and perfect grades and a great neighborhood. Life is more than iPhones and Facebook and Internet. SO much more. I want a radical life...I want something more than this. I'm scared to leave comfort and I'm scared of where it will lead, but it's got to be better than the deadness I feel in my soul. The loneliness, the bitterness, the hopelessness that often creeps in. And materialistically there should be absolutely no reason for that; I have anything I could ever need...a loving family, friends, a place to live, food, and plenty of clothes and toys, just to name a few. It just doesn't make any sense. But joy is becoming harder to find and I feel like entitlement and my desire for the approval of others is poisoning my life and suffocating any feeling of freedom. I'm done. I'm so done. I don't have a clue how to get out of this, but I'm just trying to find God and what he wants to do with me. And my terrified, probably reluctant but anticipatory self will try to follow through. It will probably look like one step forward and two back, but as long as I'm moving in that direction, I feel like I'll be OK.
I don't know what emotion that is...restlessness, defeat? But that's where I'm at.