Hi, friends. You there? I know that I haven't posted since November of last year. But I promise that doesn't mean that I haven't tried.
I have a thousand drafts of unfinished entries. OK, maybe more like a hundred, but still. Unfinished thoughts, unspoken words...sometimes starting to communicate myself and then deciding that there aren't enough words, or aren't the right words. Or that it's just too much to share with others, that I am too much to share with others.
I love words. I think about words a lot, and it's important for me to find the ones that convey the meaning I want. Exhibit A: I have been known to take 30-45 minutes to write a work email just so that I can be precise and include all necessary details without being wordy. I love details, and I love writing a solid email. I'm also that person that will help you figure out the word you're looking for, even if it takes a little while. It's the little things I guess.
But I think I get too caught up in words sometimes.
Outside of work I just love writing in general, because it's like a direct line to my heart. Thoughts that I can't quite speak can flow easily out of my pen often before my mind can process them. This isn't a problem with journaling and I can write whatever I want, however I want. But in blogging I work to shape these thoughts to be more palatable to others. Unfortunately I often catch myself tweaking my words so much that they don't even feel like mine anymore. I have to balance staying genuine with communicating what I want to, and I struggle with producing genuinely meaningful entries consistently. Mainly I struggle with being vulnerable through my writing when I know other people are reading.
Can you relate?
It's like singing a song to people that I wrote myself...it feels honest and strong when it's inside of me but suddenly raw, small and hesitant when it's out in the open, like I decided to put my nerves on the outside of my body. And once it's out there I can't really take it back. That thought alone is both powerful and exhilarating, and at other times fear- and doubt-inducing.
And sometimes, I get tired of words. Sometimes I just want my blog post to be a long sigh, or a few deep breaths, or a scream of frustration into the nighttime. And that's ok, too.
But in conclusion, I'm working on writing more, and striving less for my version of perfection. And I appreciate you reading along.