A series of words. [Part II]

Hi, friends. The words continue. Enjoy!

love hard.

I have so much love to give. Sometimes it can be overwhelming and I temper it. Sometimes I give more than I should to people who don't realize/reciprocate the gift. In the end it's more worth it for me to give love than to hold it back.

appreciate the beauty in everyone.

Everyone has a story. I love letting people surprise me instead of assuming that they're going to be a certain way. This goes for new people as well as people already in my life.

This has also helped me immensely at work; when I humanize coworkers and clients instead of getting endlessly annoyed at them, everyone wins. However, this does not serve as a justification for bad behavior or someone not doing their job; it just helps me approach critical conversations with a holistic perspective.

learn to let go.

Do you know anyone who holds grudges? Or has an insane memory for all of the bad things you do? Not only is it not fun to be around those people at all, but just imagine having to carry around all of that negativity ALL OF THE TIME. It has to get exhausting, right? So when speaking to smaller things, I recommend working to make peace and let things go for the sake of your own sanity and well-being.

Speaking to letting go in a bigger sense, there is no formula or timeline for this, as it changes from person to person. I would say just take the time that you need, because healthy endings lead to healthy beginnings.

rest in love and peace.

Right now I'm sitting on the balcony in the sunshine. Rest. So important to take any moments that you can. Right now in this quarantine, I'm sure there are a lot of moments for it! Hopefully you find yourself getting a recharge and connecting more with loved ones virtually.

delight in tiny moments.

I took a bike ride today for the first time in at least a year. I rode through the neighborhoods (road biking intimidates me) and I found myself smiling as I was coasting down a hill. "Race you to the bottom of the block!" my memory said, summoning the days of old when my friends and I would ride around the neighborhood all day, showing off our no-hands riding skills and sweet streamers. Delight.

empower yourself each day.

When the days stretch out like this, it can be hard to find motivation. A routine, for me, is very empowering. But with a built-in routine gone, how do we find structure? Having been working from home for almost a year now (crazy!), I would recommend creating tiny anchors in your day that indicate at the very least a starting point and stopping point from a work perspective. You can also focus on doing a little bit of something each day that helps you feel productive...do some exercise, pick up that guitar, draw some pictures, wash some dishes or do some laundry. Something else that's empowering for me is getting dressed, even if I'm not going anywhere. Those are just a few things that keep me sane.

persevere no matter what.

Stay at home. Take care of yourself. Take it day by day. We'll get there. <3 p="">
Until next time, friends.

A life without FOMO.

How are you guys holding up?

Gratitude has been a common theme for me. Grateful for a job. For virtual morning coffee dates and nighttime drink dates. For being able to still get outside for a walk. For teletherapy. For Instant Pots and weighted blankets, and exercise videos on YouTube. For Netflix. For the amazing things that people are doing during this time and the creative ways people are contributing to the well-being of others. I'm currently listening to a beautiful livestream of the lead singer of Young the Giant, Sameer Gadhia, on Twitch. It's these tiny moments that help string together what feels like endless days.

Another pro: this is probably the closest we'll get to no FOMO, or fear of missing out. An interesting thought.

Years ago, I chose some of my favorite words, wrote them together, and framed them. One day I decided to write out phrases to go with these words, and I found them in my photo album last night. It made me smile. Instead of sharing these words with you in one big chunk, I'd like to break them up into a few posts and add some context about what they mean to me and why I chose the phrases that I did.

awaken to the call inside of you.

I wrote these words in 2015, but I have felt the most awake this past year. Leaving my job was the biggest decision I made to move closer to what I wanted to do with my life, but I've also made other decisions that have brought me closer and closer to where I need to be.

Speaking specifically to this unique time in life with the pandemic, I've woken up from routine. Things that I've always expected would be there are either limited or no longer there. Loved ones are directly impacted. I need to be on my game to help. We all need to be.

thrive right now.

I've always loved the word "thrive". In reading it I can immediately sense the meaning...not just living, not just getting by, but living life from the heights to the depths. Feeling everything, moving through everything, and coming out more sure of who you are on the other end.

reflect on how far you've come.

When I really sit and think about it, I am blown away at how far I've come over the years. I consistently feel more settled in myself with each passing year and each experience. I remember the days where the unknown scared me immensely...it was easier to follow others and take on their opinions because I was afraid to risk making people uncomfortable by being myself. I was afraid to ask questions, afraid of being wrong, and afraid of being an outsider. I still have those fears pop up occasionally, but I have tools to work them back down and re-wire them to better thoughts.

explore what it means to be YOU.

I'm a fan of self-reflection, but having this intense period of solo time is showing me new things even still. I'm trying to take those things, sit on them, and then work towards ways to be a better version of myself.

play every single moment.

It's so important to remember to play, especially as adults. That's why I love being around children; they show you what it means to be unrestrictedly joyful. When I was in Jamaica for a mission trip in college, we went to a school in a town called Friendship and played games with the children. I just remember being so amazed at how many games they could come up with by just linking hands in a giant circle. It was the most fun I had had in a long time. In this time of quarantine, playing can look like using goofy filters on FaceTime calls, photoshopping faces onto funny pictures, or playing games with friends on video calls. I'm trying to seek out more of these opportunities.

experience true love.

Love has always been on my brain. Apparently, according to a survey I took for an online course recently, it is my #1 signature strength. I've always valued close relationships with others and tend to make them a priority in decision-making. This unfortunately has also brought me to many relationships and friendships where I lost myself and got absorbed in others. For so long I focused on what I needed to be on a person-by-person basis, making myself a chameleon to changing whims, but in the last year I've focused more on who I want to be as a complete person, an authentic friend and a true partner. It's a constant learning experience but I feel like that's how it should be; I always want to be looking for ways to be the best version of myself.

listen for the unspoken.

I am a grade-A listener. Additionally I am a highly sensitive person and can feel the energy and tension of a room when I walk into it. This is a pro and a con, because often this keeps me from being truly myself regardless of what others may think. For example, if I sense someone is uncomfortable, I will refrain from potentially contributing anything to the conversation/situation that would make that person feel even more uncomfortable. This is something that I'm working on balancing better. That said, listening in general is so important. You don't miss what someone might not be saying.

inspire everyone's best self.

When you truly appreciate someone for who they are, they shine. I've seen this time and time again at work while I was training, mentoring and managing, and with friends when I've called out things that I've noticed about them that I really appreciate. I love all of the people I surround myself with and I want to make sure they know that consistently.

Love to you, friends. Thanks for reading.

Heart things.

I have a lot on my mind.

One...I have an exam tomorrow. If I pass, I will be aPHR-certified and have a foundation to apply to HR jobs. The problem is that I haven't been able to fully invest in studying, so I don't feel as confident as I want to. But I've made peace if I don't pass and will cross that bridge when I get to it.

The sub-thoughts: is HR still for me? Do I need to go back to school?

Two...I have a cardiologist appointment on Monday. This is where I get a new baseline on my heart condition that I've had since I was a baby. I received my old medical records from my previous cardiologist today, and reading through them brought back the reality of my condition. At some point I will have to get a heart valve repaired or replaced. I may have to have the hole in my heart closed so that I can breathe at full capacity while exercising. I will have to be hyper-vigilant if I ever decide to have children. I am so grateful that my condition is mild, so I haven't felt too many of the effects growing up. But recently I've been more aware of my limitations, and there is the fear of the unknown of where I sit now.

The sub-thoughts: I am getting older and this is terrifying.

Three...I have resolved to define the ground that I want to stand on. I am tired of being a chameleon.

No sub-thoughts on that one. Just determination.

There is a poem that I received today, and a lot of it spoke to my heart. I'd love to share it in case all or parts of it may speak to yours.

The Invitation

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true, I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, or how you came to be here - I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

The sub-thoughts: That. I want to be that. I want to seek that.

Take care, friends.

New year, new you.

Happy New Year, friends.

I've been trying to post on here for the last month and have about 100 drafts. Or maybe 6, but still. Half-finished poems, entries and thoughts. But I wanted to write something for the first day of a new decade. 2019 is over and 2020 is here. Wow. Looking back not only on the last year but the last 10 years has blown me away. I decided to reactivate my Facebook for a hot second and look through old pictures. All I can say is...damn. What powerful, visual reminders of who I was, where I've been and where I am now. I had visceral reactions to those photos.

The last 10 years have marked my college graduation and foray into the real world, the beginning (and changing journey) of my career, 99% of my dating history, my struggles and victories with self and body image, my faith journey, and more. The biggest visual for me was realizing that 10 years ago, I would photoshop most of my pictures because I didn't like how I looked. In the picture on the left below, I did exactly that. And I look at that girl with tenderness and am just so incredibly thankful not to be in that headspace anymore. I feel more "me" with each and every year, and I'm really liking how it feels. I'm excited for what 2020 will bring: more of unfiltered, un-photoshopped me.

That's it for now. Keep an eye out for some drafts to be posted. :)

November.

There were three responses to my previous post, and they meant the world to me. Reminders that people are still listening, even when I feel like I'm screaming into the void. Thank you to those people from the bottom of my heart.

It's a strange season right now, and after waiting for someone to tell me that I'm living the life that I'm supposed to be living, I realized that I just need to live it. I was journaling in the coffee shop up the street the other day and tiny dreams started to poke through...things like pick up French again and travel to France to test out the language. Write meaningful things for both myself and others, whether it's poetry, haikus or general thoughts. Learn how to write songs. Paint more watercolor paintings. Maybe try bouldering again or go on a solo yurt trip. And maybe the most dramatic...build an actual routine.

I realize that I am living most people's dream: no 9-5. I never pictured my life like this, and I am simultaneously grateful for it and terrified by it. My brain chimes in: "you weren't meant for this life! This is meant for someone with a lot of money to travel and someone who doesn't want to be owned by 'the man'! You're not creative or adventurous enough!". It's been interesting combatting these stories, because obviously they're not true but they've revealed my thoughts on this freelance life. And even though I feel like this won't be forever, it's where I am now and I'm opening my mind to new, unconventional possibilities.

One thing that has been extremely difficult is lack of connection with people. I am part introvert but also thrive on genuine interaction with other people, so my freelance schedule and my breakup have left me to my own devices. In addition to my lovely friends that I get to see, my community has turned into the baristas, bartenders and shopkeepers that I try to come in regular contact with. I'm grateful for all of these moments of connection and also seeking more consistency here.

One day at a time.

"Texting through sweaty and tired eyes"

I sit here listening to the sounds of the street outside, and take a glance at my new succulents. I know they say succulents are easy, but I've unfortunately killed 3 of them already. Please don't judge me. Or do, because I probably shouldn't be a plant owner. Hoping that the 4th time is a charm!

I'm reflecting on tidying. I've recently read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo, and I liked it! I wasn't ready to read it when the rest of the world read it, but then I quit my job and had to stare at my messy apartment day after day. I got tired of stuff piling up and decided enough was enough when I came across it at the library.

(I probably shouldn't mention that I did not start reading it until we were driving back to the library to turn it back in. In a dramatic moment, I decided to keep it and continue to read it. It is currently overdue...sorry library.)

I started with clothes as directed, and prepared to tackle bags and bags of clothes that I also had stored away in my closet to donate "later". I threw them all in a towering pile, decided what sparked joy (or something similar), and thanked the ones that served me well. 15 bags of donations later (?!), I feel lighter.

My real goal for tidying was mental clarity. I was hoping to have a "eureka!" moment as that last bag hit the donation bin; as if magically I would feel comfortable about my life and confident in my next steps. But, unfortunately it didn't work like that. Although I've definitely felt a difference and will likely continue to as I clean out things that are no longer needed, I've still been in a bit of a haze. Since leaving work in March, I've felt empowered and relieved. But also, lost. My work identity was solid, whereas my identity outside of work was not so solid.

My work identity was confident. Assertive. Whenever I saw a need, I addressed it quickly and efficiently. I've always done well at my jobs and I've almost always gotten what I needed from people just by figuring out the necessary way to ask for it. There were roles, rules, and structure, and tangible ways to get from A to B. I liked that and thrived in that.

I happily let my identity outside of work be engulfed by others whenever possible, and usually those that were in close proximity. I'm thankful to be dating someone who doesn't let me be engulfed, but it's also forced me to really figure out myself apart from everyone else. I'm still working that out, but it's feeling more solid day by day. I'll probably have further learnings to share at a later point.

So, there's not really a conclusion to this post. I haven't reached a point of stability or clarity, but I have new succulents and clean closets and room to breathe and figure it out. I have people who love me and encourage my growth and my new career path. I have coffee with vanilla and oat milk. I learn new things from both my physical therapist and my emotional therapist. It's not 100 degrees out right now. Gratitude is a wonderful thing.

Thanks for reading, friends.

30.

I turn 30 this week. I don’t even know how to register that sentence...age now takes a different form in my mind. Instead of future years being compartments with defined contents, endings and beginnings, they are now fluid. You can do things at 25 that you “should’ve” done at 21. You can be 29 and feel like you’re 18...and simultaneously 40. There’s no limit to the things you can and can’t do at most any age (law permitting, of course).

Last year I was at a formal manager meeting for work where we did an icebreaker, and had to say one important thing we’ve learned up until this point in life. I was the youngest in the room by at least 5 years and was wondering what my contribution would be. I get anxiety having to speak off-the-cuff in groups and while they were moving down the line there were varied answers of “don’t be afraid”, “take chances” and “follow your dreams”; my mind was swimming with thoughts.

"What will they think?"

"Will this make sense?"

"Is this too deep for 9:30am on a Thursday?”

In the end, I overcame the internal struggle and answered, “one of the most important things I’ve learned is that the older I get, the less I know. Life has been a consistent unraveling of everything I ever thought I knew”.

Oof. Did I mention it was 9:30am on a Thursday?

Looking back, to soften the perceived grimness I probably could’ve tied it up with “...life has been a consistent unraveling of everything I ever thought I knew...and creates chances to weave my own patterns.” But as they say, hindsight is 20/20 right?

I got a few surprised looks and a few thoughtful “hmmms” and “ohhhs” and nods. A brief moment where the statement sunk in for reflection...and then they moved to the next person. There was no visible “a-ha!” moment for any of my colleagues, but I felt the satisfied feeling of going with my grain and saying what I needed to say. It was true; the script of life had been rewritten in my mind as I deconstructed certain pillars of success and life progress. Perhaps I'll write on these pillars soon. At my age I did feel like I knew less, but I felt wiser and more confident in what I did know, and more open to the unknown.

That trend of unraveling continues; this year it was my faith. I confronted what I grew up with and how disconnected I felt from it, and I began asking myself the questions that I had either never thought to ask or had been too afraid to answer for myself previously. I have no conclusions, but I have the start to something that feels more solid and “with my grain” than the starter set of my childhood. I anticipate that it will be an ongoing journey, and I am excited to make it my own.

This morning I was talking to the barista at the coffee shop down the street and he said "how does it feel to be turning thirty?", as if bracing himself for my outburst of tears or outrage or subtle desperation at another year gone by. I just replied "I don't know!"...and then, with a smile, "I like getting older". How am I supposed to feel? Would I want to wake up as my 13-yr-old self, a la Jennifer Garner? Probably not. Aside from the physical reminders of hard hangovers, back pain and creaky knees, I don’t know how else I’ll feel the delineation of 30. But one thing I do know is that I do like getting older, because each year I know myself better and become a better friend to myself. And I will always look forward to that.

Thanks for reading, friends :)

Tuck in.

Source: Pinterest

I love this quote. For me it so accurately describes those days (weeks, months, years?) where we don’t quite feel like ourselves. And we have to find the things that make our hearts happy (or did at one point, when we were more ourselves) and practice doing those things as a calling to the self inside, urging it to come back out. It's in there. After some time, perhaps those hands gingerly holding the guitar neck and strumming the strings won’t feel so foreign. Perhaps the urge to do that thing you used to always love doing will become natural again instead of gently forced. It will be like riding a bike...maybe you’ll do that again too.

I have become very familiar with this disjointed feeling, and am grateful that there are still certain scenarios and certain people that keep me connected and hopeful. I've been questioning my very foundation this past year and have felt the definition of burned out and uprooted. This past month since I've quit my job has felt something like blindly walking through fog while picking up the scattered pieces of myself; trying them like puzzle pieces to see what still fits. It also feels a bit like what I would picture amnesia feeling like, in the sense that I seem to forget that I worked in a good career and developed an awesome skillset that will assist me in the next step. Suddenly I've time-traveled to 2011 after graduation, when I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing and didn't have anywhere to start.

What did I quit for again?

Oh yeah, my well being! Although it hasn't been the magical experience that overworked employees daydream about at their desks, I am grateful for the time and space. I know that each puzzle piece I choose will be building a more authentic me, and that's what I will always continue to strive for.

I have a short list I found in my phone of what makes me happy that I wrote in 2016:

- Seeing dogs

- Singing

- Recognition (being recognized by others)

- Kisses

- Affection

- Commitment to plans

- Laughing

- Seattle

I am very grateful to say that all of those exist in my current life, with Seattle being an occasional trip. I must not have finished the list, because I could add so much more to that. Including but not limited to: being in the sunshine, coffee, bacon, love notes, hugs, mom and dad, hugs from mom and dad, live music, family hang outs, deep conversations at breweries, my family's tradition of waving goodbye, walks, hikes, kombucha dates, St. Patty's Day brunch, yoga, Himalayan salt lamps, reading good books, painting, sushi from my favorite spot, and more. I'm relying on the anchors both big and small in my life that instill hope, bring joy, and remind me of myself during this time of big change. Fight for joy, fight for light. Always. 

I hope you're well, friends.

Another day, another dollar.

3 years and 8 months ago, I wrote the following as a draft post and saved it in my long list of unpublished thoughts with the title "Another day, another dollar":

I've spoken about this before, but a couple of months ago I had an awakening. I took a look at my life working downtown and living nearby and thought this doesn't fit. It's beautiful and wonderful and I've been so extremely grateful for it, but something was urging me on. There was something more than this for me, there had to be. Not necessarily bigger or better in general, but something more me. It's almost an intuitive feeling.

This time has been life-giving, and I am happy to move to something else and make way for the next person to use these pieces as part of their journey. I don't feel that my journey ends here, even though it could. I could stay doing the same things and probably be comfortable, but there will always be that feeling of restlessness or anticipation.

And that was all that I had written. Thinking back, I didn't have the answer for next steps but I knew that I had to take them. Three weeks ago, I took the first step by putting in my notice at my job that has grown me for 5 years, and an industry that has grown me for 7. It was one of the hardest decisions that I had to make. And I made it largely without input of anyone else, at least not until I knew that I was going to do it for sure. After growing up following a path, I felt on my own with this one because it was so unlike what I have been taught and what I've grown up with. Leave a secure job for no job? Was I crazy?! Maybe a little. And it felt simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying.

As expected, my revelation of next steps to my family wasn't initially met with open arms; it was met with fear, hesitation, questioning, alarm, and ultimately, a big love woven throughout those emotions. In their minds, someone they loved and wanted to be safe and secure was saying they were jumping out of a plane without a parachute. This reaction is understandable and also why I didn't tell them sooner. But there were also wonderful moments where I told people and their first reactions were excitement and encouragement. I'll never forget when I told my good friend Katie and her first words were "that's exciting! When are we celebrating??" It woke me up to the actual excitement of making this decision that I had wanted to make for a long time.

So here I sit, on the first day of the next phase of my life. My last day was Friday and I woke up this morning with the feeling that I'm still on the weekend. I have some savings, some ideas, and a faith that I'll come back to myself and begin to move forward. The pathway is unclear but the direction feels like me, and I'm excited to see how this will unfold. I will make sure to keep you all posted! Thank you for reading, friends.

Enjoy the view.

Hi, friends. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (and recovering, from a bad cold). Even though it can knock you down hard, I always appreciate reminders to rest. I also appreciate the reminders I've gotten from a book I've been reading called Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans.

One of the exercises in the book involves writing out your workview and your lifeview, and then finding where the two intersect. Are they aligned? Are they different? Reflecting on these types of questions can help you to address any disconnect you may be feeling. I'm really enjoying the book so far and I wanted to include my answers below:

Workview:
Why work? Part of my answer is "because it's what you're supposed to do", but I've always loved work. Work has brought me tangible feelings of success and I thrive within structure and expectations. I think it's a great place to discover your talents, form relationships with others, support people and contribute to the processes of society. I love helping people love their work more and feel more confident in it.

Lifeview:
Life. Life has meaning to me. Love is real, it changes people. Kindness makes a person's day. We all have crap and we're all just trying to figure it out...and it's important to leave room for people to surprise you. I love people and relationships. I love my alone time too but I am brought to tears by the kindness, intelligence, humor and love of other people. They are amazing. They are intimidating. They are vulnerable. Beauty and color bring me life; the way they can combine in lovely arrays and provide a breathtaking moment both fleeting and joyful. My faith is in the good of humanity. My goal is to help people find the best in themselves; to honor and explore that and use that to ignite everything they do.

I'm making moves to further align my Workview and Lifeview, and I'm excited and terrified. My motivation is to be continually evolving and not stagnant. And hopefully I can dedicate my time to helping people be their best selves at work, which will hopefully extend to life. More to come, friends.

"I won't always know where I'm going, but I can always know whether I'm going in the right direction." - Designing Your Life