The more you do, the less you know.

It's been awhile, friends. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. And I'm realizing that the more I move through life and experience things, the less I feel like I know.

Can you relate just off of that one sentence?

I know it sounds contradictory. It's not to say that I haven't learned and gained wisdom from my experiences, but these experiences have taught me that you never know what you think you know. I've been trying over the past 8 months to change my thinking and how I live my life. Big shifts have led to new philosophies, new people, and new experiences that I am so grateful for. I have been untethered, but in an exciting way. Untethered but rooted in parts of myself I hadn't known...and it's been both painful and rewarding.

A big part of this has been letting go of everything I think I know about things. Relationships, friendships, work. It's almost as if up to this point I had been working with formulas in my mind of how things should be made up in order to equal what I needed.

Dating relationships, for example. I thought I knew what it involved for the most part...even especially so watching so many friends in their relationships and with my previous dating experiences. Not to say that I understood it, but that I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted and how I was going to act in one. Well, wrong. Dating has shown me that everything I ever constructed about what this all would feel like was essentially flawed by the fact that no matter how I'm acting, the person I'm with is not going to fit into my formula. Everyone is different. Thank God, really. But it has been one of those tough yet rewarding experiences that is continually shaping me.

Friendships. Here, I am learning the ebb and flow of friends in my life. I was off of social media for the past 10 months, and got back on last week. What I found was that people's lives had just kept going (weird, right?), and there was much to catch up on. But at the same time I was grateful for that time away because although I am interested in the updates of those people's lives, I knew that I had stayed up to date on the lives of those closest to me without social media while still maintaining a sense of space in my own life. This is a season of appreciating those friends, and focusing on fostering those friendships.

Work. My job has surprised me by morphing into what I need right now. I've shifted my thinking from the future to right now, and I think that's made all the difference. I'm trying new things, excelling, and overall enjoying the relationships and knowledge I've gained there.

The pieces of our lives sit so delicately balanced from day to day, and sometimes it doesn't take much to throw it all into turmoil. It is because of this that I am trying to be more present than ever before, and not live in fear of the future but in awareness of the present. When my mind is racing at a thousand miles an hour, a new, calmer voice responds...let it go. Whatever will be, will be. For me remaining in this awareness takes a lot of laughter, deep breaths, yoga, good company, some occasional tears, and a good amount of wine and/or good beer. It's not easy, but it's been worth it so far.

Adult Goodbyes.

It's almost 10:30pm as I start this, and I have 22 minutes left on my laundry timer. I want to sleep, but more importantly I'd like to stop this swirl of emotion and thought in my head. I'm thankful for the time to write.

Now, I am challenged to put my words from my guest post to action: to see the beauty in the not yet beautiful. This last week I decided to essentially end a friendship I had with one of my closest and best friends. Why, do you ask? Well, because I couldn't just be friends, and that's all that he wanted to be. There comes a point where you have to value your time enough to know that you shouldn't spend it with someone you like who's not interested in you. Seems obvious, right? But also regardless of how close you are or how much fun you have together. That's the tough part.

I'm slowly learning the meaning of what I like to call adult goodbyes. And what I mean by that is, not every goodbye needs to be dramatic, impulsive, or negative. Or final, for that matter. Previously I've had friendships that disintegrated after an explosion of aggression that was kept passive for far too long. I've had dramatic cold turkey cut-offs. A lot of my friendship endings (and there haven't been a ton, thankfully) have been drawn out and emotionally draining. So when I first starting thinking about ending this friendship, my mind went to one of those scenarios.

But then I realized that this was different. The main difference being that this was a friendship that had developed into an open line of communication and support. We met to talk, and we were able to have an honest, respectful and validating conversation where we truly wanted what was best in this situation. The problem is, what's best? There is no cut-and-dried approach that makes everything easy. Is there a way to keep this valuable friendship in some capacity? I didn't have an answer. But regardless, I knew that right now I needed space. So we're currently in that period of space where we're not talking or hanging out for awhile, and we'll see what comes of it.

It's easy to write, but it's extremely hard to untangle the roots that others have left in you and your life. There are little and big reminders every day. But each day is a step, and ultimately this will lead to something better. Life can be messy and one big gray area and that is what makes it equal parts terrifying and beautiful.

Inspiration.

I am so excited and honored to say that I have been featured on my dear friend's blog, 52 Beautiful Things. It is a wonderful blog that focuses on the spectrum of beauty, and how to find more beauty in your life. I hope you go and check it out! You can read my guest post here.

Thanks friends!

Becoming more...me.

I will be the first to admit: I am not good at keeping up this blog these days. That's ok, though. It does not mean it will always be like this, nor does it mean it won't always be like this. Is just is what it is right now. Most of the things in life are what they are right in this moment, if you think about it. 

One thing I've been learning and trying to practice is to stop myself from going down the analysis path of everything. Not only am I prone to analyze everything because I love analyzing, but I am also acutely aware of others in every interaction. Instead of being self-conscious, it's purely others-conscious (technical term, obviously). It's about how someone else feels in the interaction and how I can make it the best possible interaction for them. If someone makes a joke, I'll usually laugh. Mostly because it's funny but also because I know the feeling of when you make a joke and no one laughs, and I don't want someone else to experience that. That's just one example I can think of. Honestly, it's exhausting when not balanced properly. And when typing it out just now it can sound mostly ridiculous.

I am notorious for taking smaller things and interactions and creating analyses. Sometimes a glance or a smile or a brief conversation is just that...a glance or a smile or a brief conversation. Does it have a meaning? Not one that's necessarily worth mulling over unless it leads to further action. Some things just aren't worth analyzing the crap out of, and that was a seemingly obvious concept that was an epiphany for me. I just want everything to have meaning! I'd say to myself. Analysis equaled meaning for me. But, some things can have a meaning to you without an in-depth story behind it.

All that to say, I've been learning some stuff. For all of the analysis I've done on myself to try and figure myself out over the years, nothing has been more impactful for me than the last few months. I decided that I would start living life for myself, and not in a selfish way, but in a "there's no time to waste!" way. Friends, job, relationships, family...all went under the lens. I realized that all of these years I had been living a path set out for me: elementary school, middle school, high school, college, job, marriage, house, kids. Honestly, that thought of such a linear path is suffocating to me. Where's the adventure?! I realized that I had to take matters into my own hands, and own both the life I have lived up until this point, and the life I will live after this point. Do they have to be drastically different? No, but the fact that I am owning them makes all the difference. No one is dictating anymore; I am choosing my path regardless if the next steps are completely visible or not.

So far I haven't made any drastic changes...I've talked about them, and it makes me excited, but I also need a bit more of a push and am not going to do something unless I have some sort of something outlined. I am trying to give myself grace in this crazy period. But even though the stars haven't aligned and I don't have those next steps yet, I've never felt happier about myself :) which is truly a gift that I am grateful for. So here's to adventure and next steps, friends!

Thoughts from the bus.

You know those thoughts that make you smile randomly, making people around you wonder what you're thinking?

Today, that thought happened while listening to Journey's "Any Way You Want It"...what if I just stood up on this bus seat and started lip-synching and playing air guitar? Without a second thought as to what people would think?

Hope you have a great Monday friends. Listen to some good oldies, or whatever else makes you randomly want to break out in song or dance. :)

Resolution.

Happy New Year! I hope you all had a beautiful start to 2015. I find that most New Year's Eves are usually anti-climactic, but I think it's because my expectations were never set to anything grounded in reality. It's usually like "this New Year's Eve I'll go to the party of my life with a bunch of close friends and I'll have a giant epiphany that will make everything click and make sense in my life!" Never mind that I never reserved a spot or ticket for said party, or talked to said friends. Mainly it's just a plan in my mind that I expect to unfold regardless of me actually doing anything. This year, however, I actually set realistic expectations...and once I expected my New Year's Eve to be low-key, I was satisfied. I even fell asleep 5 minutes after midnight. Sleep in the new year!

Anyways, let's talk resolutions. I've never been one for really laying out concrete resolutions...more like guidelines for how I want to shape my life each day. This year, my resolution is resolution. Daily resolution. I love the musical definition of this word the most, which is the move of a note from dissonance to consonance. In other words, the shift of things or elements from unstable and disharmonius to stable and in harmony. Isn't that a lovely thought? When it happens in music, you can feel it. Like a sigh of relief.

I know that dissonance creeps in, but I want to make sure that I'm not dwelling in that or focusing on that more than I need to. I drift into that mindset and often get stuck there, so my resolution is to strive for internal harmony amidst the external dissonance that happens in life.

I recently came across an Annie Dillard quote that I want to think on each morning: "I wake expectant, hoping to see a new thing." I really like that. I also like this picture that I found when looking up definitions:

What caught my eye most was "a simple, sincere and serene life." A great thought to start the new year with.

Cheers, friends!

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The Crockpot Club

It's amazing how quickly we can come to feel inadequate. And by what means we come to feel inadequate. I never thought that I'd say these words, but for me it was...the Crockpot Club.

What is the Crockpot Club, you ask? Oh, just a group of people from work who get together every Thursday and rotate who cooks a crockpot meal. However, it's invite-only. Like a "popular kids" group at work. Initially I found it entertaining, and figured that I didn't know people well enough to join. But after some months passed and my friend who sat next to me received an invite and stopped going to lunch with me because of it, I was surprised at how it affected me.

I was jealous. Angry, even.

I thought, "you can have your stupid Crockpot Club! I'm just going to sit over here with my NEW friends and eat my lunchable and fruit-by-the-foot with my Hi-C orange drink. Hmph. Who do they think they are anyways, with their dumb crockpot meals?" What was I, in middle school again? It was like having horrible flashbacks to every moment in childhood where you were rejected or not chosen to be one of "the chosen". Anyone? Anyone? Anyways, as I sat thinking about this, I realized a few things.

One is that there are people who like to take high school behavior with them into adult life. There is no avoiding it, unfortunately. You'll hear (and sadly be sucked in sometimes) to gossip about "did you see what so-and-so is wearing? Gross." or "can you believe that so-and-so did this?" Also, most of the time people just like to be in their cliques, and they like to have control over those cliques and unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally) create exclusivity where they can. Everyone wants to be a part of something, right? And finally I realized that contrary to what I believed throughout my school years growing up, it's ok to not be a part of that...mainly because A.) I don't like cooking on command and am barely even able to cook for myself most days and B.) I am 25, not 14. I have my own contributions and personality and most sane people will not judge me on whether or not I made it in to Crockpot Club. I generally succeed at life without that accolade to decorate my LinkedIn with.

At the end of the day, I'm grateful for things like the Crockpot Club...because it reminds me of how easy it is to make things exclusive, and how important it is to make people feel on the inside when I can. When you get down to it, we're all just trying to live this crazy life the best way we can...so we might as well try and support each other in it instead of alienate.

I was encouraged to write a post about this on here by my close friend Katie (52beautifulthings.com). She has a wonderful, inspiring blog that you should check out. I am truly honored to know her. And I know that she would always include me in her Crockpot Club.

And it is with these thoughts that I send you off to the rest of the week: remember to be open, and not closed. Be open to including and being surprised by people. I promise it will be worth it.

Enjoy your week, friends. :)