Becoming more...me.

I will be the first to admit: I am not good at keeping up this blog these days. That's ok, though. It does not mean it will always be like this, nor does it mean it won't always be like this. Is just is what it is right now. Most of the things in life are what they are right in this moment, if you think about it. 

One thing I've been learning and trying to practice is to stop myself from going down the analysis path of everything. Not only am I prone to analyze everything because I love analyzing, but I am also acutely aware of others in every interaction. Instead of being self-conscious, it's purely others-conscious (technical term, obviously). It's about how someone else feels in the interaction and how I can make it the best possible interaction for them. If someone makes a joke, I'll usually laugh. Mostly because it's funny but also because I know the feeling of when you make a joke and no one laughs, and I don't want someone else to experience that. That's just one example I can think of. Honestly, it's exhausting when not balanced properly. And when typing it out just now it can sound mostly ridiculous.

I am notorious for taking smaller things and interactions and creating analyses. Sometimes a glance or a smile or a brief conversation is just that...a glance or a smile or a brief conversation. Does it have a meaning? Not one that's necessarily worth mulling over unless it leads to further action. Some things just aren't worth analyzing the crap out of, and that was a seemingly obvious concept that was an epiphany for me. I just want everything to have meaning! I'd say to myself. Analysis equaled meaning for me. But, some things can have a meaning to you without an in-depth story behind it.

All that to say, I've been learning some stuff. For all of the analysis I've done on myself to try and figure myself out over the years, nothing has been more impactful for me than the last few months. I decided that I would start living life for myself, and not in a selfish way, but in a "there's no time to waste!" way. Friends, job, relationships, family...all went under the lens. I realized that all of these years I had been living a path set out for me: elementary school, middle school, high school, college, job, marriage, house, kids. Honestly, that thought of such a linear path is suffocating to me. Where's the adventure?! I realized that I had to take matters into my own hands, and own both the life I have lived up until this point, and the life I will live after this point. Do they have to be drastically different? No, but the fact that I am owning them makes all the difference. No one is dictating anymore; I am choosing my path regardless if the next steps are completely visible or not.

So far I haven't made any drastic changes...I've talked about them, and it makes me excited, but I also need a bit more of a push and am not going to do something unless I have some sort of something outlined. I am trying to give myself grace in this crazy period. But even though the stars haven't aligned and I don't have those next steps yet, I've never felt happier about myself :) which is truly a gift that I am grateful for. So here's to adventure and next steps, friends!