It's almost 10:30pm as I start this, and I have 22 minutes left on my laundry timer. I want to sleep, but more importantly I'd like to stop this swirl of emotion and thought in my head. I'm thankful for the time to write.
Now, I am challenged to put my words from my guest post to action: to see the beauty in the not yet beautiful. This last week I decided to essentially end a friendship I had with one of my closest and best friends. Why, do you ask? Well, because I couldn't just be friends, and that's all that he wanted to be. There comes a point where you have to value your time enough to know that you shouldn't spend it with someone you like who's not interested in you. Seems obvious, right? But also regardless of how close you are or how much fun you have together. That's the tough part.
I'm slowly learning the meaning of what I like to call adult goodbyes. And what I mean by that is, not every goodbye needs to be dramatic, impulsive, or negative. Or final, for that matter. Previously I've had friendships that disintegrated after an explosion of aggression that was kept passive for far too long. I've had dramatic cold turkey cut-offs. A lot of my friendship endings (and there haven't been a ton, thankfully) have been drawn out and emotionally draining. So when I first starting thinking about ending this friendship, my mind went to one of those scenarios.
But then I realized that this was different. The main difference being that this was a friendship that had developed into an open line of communication and support. We met to talk, and we were able to have an honest, respectful and validating conversation where we truly wanted what was best in this situation. The problem is, what's best? There is no cut-and-dried approach that makes everything easy. Is there a way to keep this valuable friendship in some capacity? I didn't have an answer. But regardless, I knew that right now I needed space. So we're currently in that period of space where we're not talking or hanging out for awhile, and we'll see what comes of it.
It's easy to write, but it's extremely hard to untangle the roots that others have left in you and your life. There are little and big reminders every day. But each day is a step, and ultimately this will lead to something better. Life can be messy and one big gray area and that is what makes it equal parts terrifying and beautiful.