The Women's Locker Room

I'd like to take a moment and talk about the womens' locker room at the gym. I find it fascinating, and not just because there are always the token older ladies who don't give a damn and just walk around everywhere completely naked (can I please be you when I'm older?).

I went to a class at 6am before work this morning which is out of my norm. And I say "out of my norm" to emphasize the fact that I am not normally this ambitious; I'm much more of an evening workout person when I go. But it's interesting to see the difference between the pre-work and the post-work locker room buzz.

There is something unique that happens in the morning in that locker room: bodies of all shapes and sizes and so many morning routines come together. Fresh-out-of-the-shower faces and wet hair seem to be a portrait of vulnerability; you see the face behind the face that everyone sees on a day to day basis. We all spend so much time getting ready in the mornings, putting ourselves together for another day out in the world. What does that entail exactly? Well, it's different for everyone.

As I stand at a long mirror blowdrying my hair to "Katie standards" (7 steps below actually dry but 3 above "I fell into a fountain"), I'm next to a woman meticulously curling her perfectly dried hair. In the mirror across the way, another girl does spiral curls with a straightener. Which I will someday teach myself how to do from Pinterest. Other girls just wrap their wet hair up in a bun (you go, girl).

Then comes the makeup. My makeup includes my staples from Target, nothing fancy. I don't really notice anyone else's makeup but what I do notice are the blank slates that everyone presents to the mirror. I can feel the vulnerability myself as I perform a routine typically performed alone in front of my own bathroom mirror. Not insecure, but aware of all of the different approaches we take to the day. It almost feels like we're all bonded together by that experience before taking on the day; we've all seen each other sans makeup as strangers, wrapped in a towel with hair undone. We ourselves are undone, but in a comfortable way. A liberating way.

And I really appreciate that about the women's locker room.

People, Places, Things.

Sometimes it is just crazy to me what a wealth of memory we have. Memories tied to places, places tied to people and you're left riding on waves of nostalgia...sometimes exhilarated, sometimes nauseated, and maybe somewhere in between. Where did the time go? It's a reminder of the depth of life, and especially the depth of your own.

This past Saturday, I went shopping at the mall with my close friend Andrea. We walked by Dillard's and were reminded of a time during freshman year of college when we went to go try on prom dresses and take pictures for the heck of it. As we remembered back on this and stared at each other with a gleam in our eyes, we decided, "why not?". We each picked out our favorite and least favorite dresses and decided to have some fun with it again.

We somehow managed to pick out the same dressing room, and jokingly took a few pictures. Strangely enough it wasn't until we were back at our cars and looking over our old pictures from 8 years ago that I got a tangible reminder of where I had been compared to where I am now. And all of the feelings that came along with that.

In hindsight, I was really insecure and had no self-love back then. Everything I was, everything I had could be changed and in my mind needed to be changed if life was going to get to where I wanted it to be. There was a finish line, and ultimate physical beauty (and everything that came with that benefit) was at the end of it. To make it there seemed like an impossible but necessary feat.

Now, I know myself, and I can truly say that I love myself. Instead of focusing on a finish line, I'd rather focus on the present moment. I have a relationship with my body that is nurturing instead of hateful, and I have a confidence in what I do and who I am. Is that 100% of the time? No. Life isn't perfect but I wouldn't trade this grounded feeling for any sort of re-do of the past.

To say that I am grateful overall for where I am now compared to then is an understatement, but I am learning to appreciate the journey more and more. It is those memories that remind us of our immense depth and strength. We are not just that 9-5 drag, or that terrible work meeting. We are superheroes jumping off of the fireplace with blanket capes. We are the awkward middle schoolers writing notes to our crush. We are the brave ones heading off to college or a new job or a new place. We are the "new kids" trying to make friends, who eventually do make friends. Really good ones. We take risks, we excel, we love, we hurt, we breathe, we create. We try on prom dresses at 26 (or maybe that's just me).

It reminds me of a Rumi quote that I love:

Don't forget your depth, friends. Cheers to you, and to this rare day.

The Crockpot Club, pt. 2

Hi friends.

Awhile ago, I wrote a post about The Crockpot Club at work. It's a group that meets weekly and people rotate cooking a crockpot meal for everyone. That part is pretty cool. However, it's invite-only. That part is not so cool.

Well, the day has come...*drumroll*...I received an invite this week.

Honestly, the first thing I did was laugh. It was a combination of how the invite was phrased (very official and contingent upon other members leaving) and thinking about how I used to feel about it. It didn't really seem worth the thought, because I still didn't really have an interest in cooking. I just wanted the invite...2 years ago when I started.

I don't think I'll join, for a combination of reasons. I don't want to foster that exclusive vibe at work, I don't like to cook on command, and I don't want to carry a crockpot on my morning bus ride. Mainly the first reason.

Just wanted to give you all that funny update. Oh, life. :)

Fight for yourself.

Here I sit on this quiet night, my journal open in front of me to an entry I wrote this same day last year, just after Christmas and before the new year. It tells of a darker time: "...I feel drained, empty, hurt, angry, frustrated, confused, helpless, worthless, cynical, jaded, hopeless, afraid, anxious, exhausted, insincere, disconnected, apathetic". And I had ended the entry with "sleep, the reprieve".

It was rough, and a crippling cocktail of feelings. Honestly I had been stuck in a melancholy for as long as I could remember. Easy to gloss over during the day, but not so much at night when it's just you and your thoughts. It was so steady that I felt it to be the norm...it wasn't severe enough to be too alarming, but I knew it wasn't how I was supposed to feel.

In the new year, I decided some things. I was going to break the melancholy once and for all...however I could. My New Years resolution? To fight for myself, and fight to do lovely things for myself. Because it is only then that I could give to others how I should and view others as I should. I wanted to recognize myself, love myself, and choose my side instead of the lies that creep in all too often. Because if you're not on your own side, what else do you have really?

There have been pivotal moments this year that have been the agents of immense growth in my life. But they came in the form of conversations and books, laughter and new people. I'm still at the same job and in the same apartment as last year, and it's been comforting to know that you can still change while remaining still in other ways.

To start off the year I had a conversation with a close friend in which she told me that she observed my melancholy triggers to be guys and social media. I knew this, but it was something about hearing it from her that clicked with me. Since I could control one of those things, I began a 9-month break from Instagram and Facebook that left me feeling instantly lifted and present.

My behavior changed. I no longer put myself down. If I started to have a thought that was self-degrading ("I shouldn't have said that, that was dumb", "I don't look good today", etc), I stopped myself mid-thought in my mind and never spoke it out loud. I graciously accepted compliments. If I caught others putting themselves down the same way, I would tell them not to. After time you become so much kinder to yourself, and it's a beautiful and restoring thing.

Another thing that helped me was a bible verse, Jeremiah 31:4. This was refreshing because I have been in a dry spell with the church and my faith has taken a much different shape than church every Sunday. But it was just after the new year, and the pastor at Bloom gave a sermon on limping into the new year instead of skipping. I really connected with it, and I took from it this verse:

"You will build us back up again, and we will be rebuilt". 

We will be rebuilt. This gave me a simple peace that I was craving, and became my mantra for the beginning of 2015 that ended up framing my whole year.

Another main one was a book that I read in March, called The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. It completely shifted how I view the world and my own thoughts, and I became less controlled by them in tangible ways that allowed me to have more energy and feel lighter in life.

There are many other contributing factors, but those were the main ones that allowed me to rise above the mainstay melancholy that I had grown accustomed to. I am so grateful for this year and for growth. It has opened me up to meet some amazing new people who have also shaped me, and to continue to connect with the current people in my life in healthier ways. 

I am genuinely excited for 2016, and I hope that you can say the same. And if you feel like you're limping into the new year instead of skipping, it's ok. I hope that you can find the courage to fight for yourself and seek what you need.

Cheers, friends! <3

The more you do, the less you know.

It's been awhile, friends. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. And I'm realizing that the more I move through life and experience things, the less I feel like I know.

Can you relate just off of that one sentence?

I know it sounds contradictory. It's not to say that I haven't learned and gained wisdom from my experiences, but these experiences have taught me that you never know what you think you know. I've been trying over the past 8 months to change my thinking and how I live my life. Big shifts have led to new philosophies, new people, and new experiences that I am so grateful for. I have been untethered, but in an exciting way. Untethered but rooted in parts of myself I hadn't known...and it's been both painful and rewarding.

A big part of this has been letting go of everything I think I know about things. Relationships, friendships, work. It's almost as if up to this point I had been working with formulas in my mind of how things should be made up in order to equal what I needed.

Dating relationships, for example. I thought I knew what it involved for the most part...even especially so watching so many friends in their relationships and with my previous dating experiences. Not to say that I understood it, but that I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted and how I was going to act in one. Well, wrong. Dating has shown me that everything I ever constructed about what this all would feel like was essentially flawed by the fact that no matter how I'm acting, the person I'm with is not going to fit into my formula. Everyone is different. Thank God, really. But it has been one of those tough yet rewarding experiences that is continually shaping me.

Friendships. Here, I am learning the ebb and flow of friends in my life. I was off of social media for the past 10 months, and got back on last week. What I found was that people's lives had just kept going (weird, right?), and there was much to catch up on. But at the same time I was grateful for that time away because although I am interested in the updates of those people's lives, I knew that I had stayed up to date on the lives of those closest to me without social media while still maintaining a sense of space in my own life. This is a season of appreciating those friends, and focusing on fostering those friendships.

Work. My job has surprised me by morphing into what I need right now. I've shifted my thinking from the future to right now, and I think that's made all the difference. I'm trying new things, excelling, and overall enjoying the relationships and knowledge I've gained there.

The pieces of our lives sit so delicately balanced from day to day, and sometimes it doesn't take much to throw it all into turmoil. It is because of this that I am trying to be more present than ever before, and not live in fear of the future but in awareness of the present. When my mind is racing at a thousand miles an hour, a new, calmer voice responds...let it go. Whatever will be, will be. For me remaining in this awareness takes a lot of laughter, deep breaths, yoga, good company, some occasional tears, and a good amount of wine and/or good beer. It's not easy, but it's been worth it so far.

Adult Goodbyes.

It's almost 10:30pm as I start this, and I have 22 minutes left on my laundry timer. I want to sleep, but more importantly I'd like to stop this swirl of emotion and thought in my head. I'm thankful for the time to write.

Now, I am challenged to put my words from my guest post to action: to see the beauty in the not yet beautiful. This last week I decided to essentially end a friendship I had with one of my closest and best friends. Why, do you ask? Well, because I couldn't just be friends, and that's all that he wanted to be. There comes a point where you have to value your time enough to know that you shouldn't spend it with someone you like who's not interested in you. Seems obvious, right? But also regardless of how close you are or how much fun you have together. That's the tough part.

I'm slowly learning the meaning of what I like to call adult goodbyes. And what I mean by that is, not every goodbye needs to be dramatic, impulsive, or negative. Or final, for that matter. Previously I've had friendships that disintegrated after an explosion of aggression that was kept passive for far too long. I've had dramatic cold turkey cut-offs. A lot of my friendship endings (and there haven't been a ton, thankfully) have been drawn out and emotionally draining. So when I first starting thinking about ending this friendship, my mind went to one of those scenarios.

But then I realized that this was different. The main difference being that this was a friendship that had developed into an open line of communication and support. We met to talk, and we were able to have an honest, respectful and validating conversation where we truly wanted what was best in this situation. The problem is, what's best? There is no cut-and-dried approach that makes everything easy. Is there a way to keep this valuable friendship in some capacity? I didn't have an answer. But regardless, I knew that right now I needed space. So we're currently in that period of space where we're not talking or hanging out for awhile, and we'll see what comes of it.

It's easy to write, but it's extremely hard to untangle the roots that others have left in you and your life. There are little and big reminders every day. But each day is a step, and ultimately this will lead to something better. Life can be messy and one big gray area and that is what makes it equal parts terrifying and beautiful.

Inspiration.

I am so excited and honored to say that I have been featured on my dear friend's blog, 52 Beautiful Things. It is a wonderful blog that focuses on the spectrum of beauty, and how to find more beauty in your life. I hope you go and check it out! You can read my guest post here.

Thanks friends!