Monday, February 13, 2012

The never-ending pursuit.

For so long I've been chasing shadows...mere wisps of truth, love, relationship, and validation. Twisting things to somehow make them true and right for me, and letting them twist me into something I don't want to be. I've been longing for someone to pursue my heart, when there has been God all along. I'm finally beginning to grasp that piece by piece. He is always solid, always there, who loves me for who I am now. I don't have to promote myself to Him with my talents or looks. And I'm slowly, very slowly, learning what it means to live and be content in that truth.

Having grown up as a Christian, I missed out on getting to know God emotionally. And I realize that even though I've gotten to know him as a more personal God since college, I still open up my heart in intimate relationship to everyone except Him. I seek validation from everyone, and everything, except Him. Sure, I pray and throw questions, anger, and thanks his way, but all of that stems from intimacy with others and not with God. This all hit me on the way home from church, while I was fuming at God about my loneliness and all my many futile attempts at controlling my life...specifically my relationship life. As I drove, frustrated and upset, saying what I wanted and asking why it was so hard to just have it, a subtle voice crept I am...and as I kept talking about wanting to be pursued and loved for who I have Me, that is enough. And it hit me. God is the only stable one. The only one who will never disappoint. The only One worth pleasing. I felt a peace replace my loneliness, and finally began to accept that I need to pursue God intimately.

Now, these are all truths that I knew in my head, and have heard a million and one times. Which made me afraid that I would never experience them personally unless I had a radical experience. But it was so good to begin the steps last night.

I took a walk around the lake today, and it was refreshing. God has met me there in the past, and he continues to meet me there. This song was the perfect soundtrack to my walk. The Autumn Film is pretty amazing...I saw them at a house concert (literally, a concert in someone's house), and it was definitely a memorable experience. One of my favorite songs that they played that night was this one, "Roll Over Me". It's not necessarily a happy, upbeat song, but it's really peaceful.

And on that note, I bid you all goodnight. :)


  1. This is very insightful. YOU are very insightful! Thank you for posting this!

    1. you're welcome! I'm glad you could take something away from it :)