Reminders.

In the past few months I have been experiencing an identity crisis. Number 282, the be exact. Welcome to my twenties. So when I was flipping through my journal this evening and happened upon the below entry, a smile slowly crept over my face as I read timely words from my past self. It was a lovely reminder of pieces of who I am:

"I had a tiny reality moment where I realized that I don't have to be anything more or anything less than I am now. I am who I am, and I stand by that. I'm the girl who will run spelling errors into joke words, who will make a song anywhere, be it on the swing set or listening to the sounds of dial-up Internet. I can laugh at most everything (including myself), come up with witty sarcastic banter, and start a conversation with someone new if I wanted to. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. The keyword is "try"...nobody's perfect, especially me. I love to affirm people. I love inspiring people and witnessing their joy, curiosity and excitement in discovery. I love feeling inspired from other people. I love to sing, anywhere and everywhere. If I'm singing around you, I'm a.) happy and b.) comfortable. I love chocolate and coffee, and I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews. I love my family so much that my heart hurts, both with extreme love and extreme fear that I can't protect them always. That is when I need to trust God, moment by moment. He is BIG! And His love for them is even far greater than mine...I need to remind myself of that. I'm scared of dreaming, because I'm scared of failure, and picking wrong, and so many other things. I'm not good at taking high-risk chances. I hope to get better at this :) I am me, and that's pretty damn wonderful."

Ah...hello, my old heart :) just thought I'd share that entry here. I love journaling. Anais Nin once said, "we write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection." It is so true. Maybe you can relate to some of my thoughts. Perhaps not. Either way, thanks for sharing in them! 

Say what you can't say.

Temptation to succumb to slumber,

to seethe poisonous words to unknown faces.
To dance wildly; rash and raw.
To scream, sing, and seize
some sort of life left in me.
A self-diagnosed disorder
of the catatonic;
need to force a pulse to fool the mortician.
Laugh,
for laughter's sake.
Shake and break these chains
of delirium.

Ode to my journal.

I am hesitant to cover your smooth pages
with my cluttered words.
A 200-page commitment.
And yet, I forget that it is only then
that you fulfill your purpose;
I would be doing you a disservice
by leaving you on display.
My pen was destined for your lines;
Intertwined in spontaneous ramblings,
and thoughts that mimic genius.
A willing ear, a sounding board,
My unusual friend.

afterthought.

It's funny how you can compartmentalize your life to the point where you forget where you've been and what you've been through. I'm almost 24, and sometimes I feel barely 18. I see students going to college, and for a split second I think "I should be doing that". Oh wait, I already did...two years ago. That is why I love journals and journaling...essentially it's a poignant reminder of who I am and where I've been. Changes you've gone through are so much more apparent when you can remember what place you started from.

Word of the day: poignant.

running, walking, sitting, laughing.

Hope. It tends to sneak up on me in the most normal of moments; a welcome surprise.

It looks like this. Walking home from a run around Wash Park with a couple of new friends, the gorgeous weather speaking of lovely things to come, and life is full of possibility. Hope.

Sitting at a coffee shop, drinking a delicious latte. Sitting, watching Pearl Street through the window and feeling at home. Hope.

At dinner with old friends, bellies full of delicious food and laughter. I realize that I am completely comfortable in my own skin among these people. Hope.

Walking through my backyard to the door, smelling the rain. Noticing how it makes everything greener, and somehow new. Hope.

I love those moments. They are my focus and my fuel.

hello, my old heart.

hello, my old heart 

how have you been? 

are you still there inside my chest? 

I've been so worried 

you've been so still 

barely beating at all 

oh, don't leave me here alone 

don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while 

oh, I don't want to be alone 

I want to find a home and I want to share it with you 

hello, my old heart 

it's been so long 

since I've given you away 

and every day I add another stone 

to the walls I built around you 

to keep you safe 

hello, my old heart 

how have you been? 

how is it, being locked away? 

don't you worry 

in there, you're safe 

and it's true you'll never beat, but you'll never break 

nothing lasts forever 

some things aren't meant to be 

but you'll never find the answers 

until you set your old heart free

MIA

Hi friends. Words to share publicly are hard to come by these days. I've moved, and I love it! Things change, friends come and go, and life goes on somehow. I'm enjoying being far away. But I realized I'm not only far away physically, but far away from a lot of people emotionally. That's just how it has to happen for now, since my primary focus is to figure out life in my new place and new surroundings. Self-preservation, I guess. I don't want to say I enjoy that part, but I don't mind it amongst these days of blank walls and strange solitude. It's one of those times where if you're consistent with me, I'll be consistent with you. If you're not...well...

It's been a long couple of weeks.