2021...I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that it was both a ride and a blur. At the end of the year, I like to take some time to reflect on journal entries, phone notes and voice memos, (gotta have options to get out your thoughts!) then write a new entry to process. Here are some of those thoughts.
Relationships. I was in a relationship that I thought was going to go all the way. It felt like enough, and I assured all of my people that it was enough, until a sunny September morning where I was forced to realize what I wanted against what was. Specifically, I wanted someone who felt that dating me was the easiest decision they've had to make. What was, was a situation where I was leaning over my then-boyfriend's sink in his new house, sobbing, hands full of my own blood from an epic nosebleed that was triggered by anxiety, emotion, and the inevitable end to our relationship that I saw coming. So this was how it was going to end? Thankfully, the answer was no. We had a month-long breakup where we had a handful of vulnerable conversations to process from different angles and see if there was a solution. It was good to talk through it together. But in the end, we were just not a fit for each other.
I did a lot of processing with 20/20 hindsight; throughout our relationship I was constantly adjusting, interpreting, communicating, striving and assuming. Chalking things up to differences in communication and personality type and customizing myself accordingly. But no matter how hard I tried to bridge the perceived gap: I couldn't convince him to be in love with me. Turns out I couldn't conjure that for myself, either. Once we admitted that to ourselves and each other, we were able to make our decision. Our relationship ended in the healthiest way possible and I'm grateful for that, because it allowed me to move forward to a better relationship. One where I feel heard, seen, understood, supported in all forms, and ultimately feel at ease. It's a really great feeling :)
Mental health. After 5 years (and counting!) of pursuing therapy and 2 of those years with an incredible therapist, I realized that there was still an indescribable hump that I needed help getting over. After a battle within my brain, I combatted a long-held belief that I didn't need medication and got on antidepressants. That original belief was rooted in fear; I was afraid of being too reliant or emotionally flat constantly. Once I started them I realized that I still felt like myself, but no longer with a deep capacity for despair. I'm so happy I took that step and am happy to talk about it if you're curious or considering it for yourself.
Work. I got promoted in August to what might be my dream role. Though once I got it, I immediately felt a panic that I didn't actually want it after all. It's a lie triggered by imposter syndrome, but it didn't make for an easy start. I haven't been able to fully be in that role yet since I'm still transitioning from my old role, but I'm ultimately excited for where it may lead. In addition to managing a team I will be directly involved in onboarding and training for the department. Yay! Just reminding myself to take it easy on myself.
Hard, gut-wrenching, terrifying, exciting, beautiful things. And isn't that life? The juxtaposition of things that should make no sense together? I leave 2021 grateful, and I know I am fortunate in being able to say that.
What I want more of in 2022:
I'm excited for what it has in store :)
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