Ever looked at your life and where it's been and where it is now and want to just burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of it all? I see so many examples of how I don't measure up, how I could be better, how I've dropped the ball, and right now I just want to laugh. Because no matter how many times I remind myself it doesn't matter, I convince myself that it does. But it STILL doesn't matter. So why does it have such a hold on me?
I need to work on perspective...because I'm balancing between the two ideas that:
a.) none of it matters because Jesus loves me anyway, so I'm going to live in that love, or...
b.) none of it matters, so why even try? What's the point of all this?
Recently I've been immersed in my complete unworthiness. There is nothing good that is of myself...God is the only good thing about me. But I feel like I've only grasped half of the concept...the part that says I'm unworthy, vile, empty, and of the world. I'm missing the fact that God has redeemed that and can still use me. I can't find God in myself right now, so how does anyone else?
I'm disconnected and drifting from everyone I was ever close to, but physically here and participating in work and church and life. I don't know how to fix this. I want to pray, but words don't come. So I guess all I can do is sit in silence in His presence and hope that God brings me back to him.