I am the Lone Ranger: pt. 2

I published the previous post because that was a pivotal conversation with my brother. And yet, 4 years later, I still sometimes find myself falling short on imaginary scorecards. So I want to take this post to stand in what I love about myself.

1. I am an emotional human. Although I have felt this as a weakness almost my entire life, I now know that it fuels the immense empathy that I have. I feel "vibes", I "read" rooms and people, and I'm pretty damn accurate. It has helped me excel at work, and make surprising connections with near-strangers. Unfortunately this can also lead me to overthink and read into things that aren't there. It's a balance, but I am grateful.

2. I love and need words. I love finding the perfect word for how I'm feeling, and if someone can't find the word they're looking for, I love helping them. In my romantic relationships I feel most loved when my partner is expressing their love/feelings/appreciation for me through words. But obviously a relationship cannot exist on words alone, so words combined with action make me feel the most safe and secure.

3. I am an observer. I am highly aware of how I spend my energy. I cultivate that energy from solo time, and I spend it wisely. With my empathy and my propensity to go too deep too fast with information about my life, I can quickly become depleted. In middle school Language Arts class I remembered taking a personality quiz where we got "roles" based on how we answered the questions. There were roles that everyone wanted like "Adventurer". A girl at the table told me "I bet you'll be an Observer". And I was, and I resented that because it wasn't the popular option and it rolled off of her tongue with such distaste. But now I realize that I very much am an observer, and it's helped me to be a kind, empathetic human and preserve my energy when needed.

4. I love connection. I know, hot take! But connection and harmony are two of my values. It's always important for me to seek connection in every interaction that I have...and make sure it's genuine. For example, if I'm asking "how are you doing" to anyone I see, I want to remain present and listen to the answer. And if they ask how I'm doing, I try to provide a genuine answer in return before the automatic "Good! You?" comes out. I strive to be present and not distracted. With people close to me I want that comfort of depth and the feeling that I can say anything and be understood and loved (even in spite of what I say). Alternatively, in those relationships I can say nothing at all and feel comfortable. It's as easy as breathing. I love connection so much that I want it to happen quickly, and I get FOMO when I miss out on potential moments of connection. So I need to take a deep breath, realize that connection may not always happen as quickly as I want to (and not with everyone!), and embrace the progression, value and weight of time.

There are more things, but those things are the core things that I've felt insecure about at many points in my life. Always learning, always trying to understand myself a bit better. Thank you for reading, friends.

I am the Lone Ranger.

 2017:

I broke down to my oldest brother on the phone the other day.

I had been on the edge, feeling like I was going to burst but didn't have a release. The timing was better than I could've asked for. We don't normally talk, but he and I had been meaning to catch up for a couple of weeks. Conversation started simple enough...what are you up to, how's the day...and then a simple question asked with a simple and genuine tenderness ripped me wide open. "So how are you doing?"

I was silent for a few seconds, debating on how surface-level I wanted to keep this. But I felt a comfort in saying the words I was about to say to someone I trusted and admired. "I'm struggling." I said, and it was as if those two words were the key to the floodgates. I broke.

Things spilled out of me, a mix of worries and poison and sadness. I didn't feel like a worthy human being, either in work or in life. I set standards for myself that were vague and unreachable, my position felt vague and unreachable, and it drove me down into dark places. People have this opinion of me, that I am good, I am worthy. They feel like just words, because I do not share that opinion...people who say that don't know that I am not good. I am broken. No one is acknowledging that, and in my mind they are mutually exclusive. I can either be good and worthy, or broken and not good enough. My brother gently reminded me that they are not mutually exclusive; we are all broken, no one is perfect. And that there are many rays of sunshine. His listening and measured and thoughtful advice was the quiet strength and safe space I needed to spit out these thoughts that I had not been able to form words for out loud before.

Feelings I wanted grace for continued to tumble out of me. I apologized for being a distant aunt. Not good enough. Not worthy to be a godmother to one of his daughters, because I have also felt so distant in my faith. He listened and said something that went like lightening straight to my heart.

"Katie, you are not falling short on anyone's scorecard."

9 words that addressed how I felt about my life. Falling short on everyone's scorecard. 9 words that both named and began to dismantle that lie I had believed for so long.

I wanted to completely let go and wrap myself in the grace, truth and love that my brother was speaking to me. I wish I had let out more, but I felt like I was losing control of myself and my emotions in front of someone else, and I have a long-standing wall against that. Don't be too much, don't be too vulnerable. Crying is weakness, crying is shame. I'm sorry for being too emotional. I'm sorry for being less than convenient. I'm sorry for sharing the crap that I carry, because your load is probably heavy enough. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to carry it alone.

I have tried to make myself fit into other people's lives, to make it easy for them to like me because I could adapt to be like them. I would always make the effort if I could, even if they were less than kind. I'd be flexible and tolerant at the expense of my opinions, my values, or my well-being. And I would come to the end of those efforts feeling like a shadow, barely existing.

I'm working on building myself back up, with help. Realizing my worthiness, and that it's not a zero sum game. I am worthy, and you are worthy. I want to cultivate a group of belonging...people who inspire me to be myself, and celebrate that. And vice versa. A true vulnerable community that is there for each other where I don't feel alone in the midst of it. No judgement. I don't really have that now, but I realize that it is built on first recognizing that I am worthy of one.

I want to be done hiding.

Untitled.

She heaved a heavy sigh as the bubbles from the bath curled around her back. She would often sigh like that without even realizing it, as if everything happening in life was built into that sound and that was her only way of releasing the pressure. If anyone was within ear shot, she would usually get a "hey, you ok?" or "yeah, ditto". The heavy, relatable sigh.

It had been an anxiety-filled day. Each hour that she worked was an hour that she wasn't getting paid for, because she had passed her contracted allocation for the week. But things still had to get done. "I'll just take it off of next week, or month," she told herself. But the tightness had already made a home within her chest, and it was not budging. As the clock hit five, she knew she had to force a stop. She closed her laptop, unfolded herself from her position on the couch, and stood up to stretch her unforgiving limbs. She had to do something to ease this tightness.

"Maybe I'll take a bath and journal," she said aloud. In living alone for 6 years she had become used to talking to herself and no one. Oddly enough, this presumed insane behavior actually kept her sane. She wandered into her bedroom and picked up her beautiful floral journal that she had recently gotten at Target. She loves journaling, and picking a new one out for herself after finishing a previous journal is one of her favorite things. It was a big deal; she was going to have this journal for at least a year, maybe more. And all it took was standing in the journal section and waiting for the right one to jump out at her.

Journal in hand, she made her way to the bathroom and turned the water on. Next to the tub was an essential oil labeled "Balance". She unscrewed the cap and smelled it, silently willing the scent to settle her soul. She poured some drops into the tub along with some bubble bath and hoped for the best. She checked her phone: no texts. She had been waiting for a certain name to show up on her screen, but it had apparently been a busy day at work. She set her phone back down on the top of the toilet and stepped gingerly into the tub. As she sank slowly down, she let the shock of the hot water occupy her thoughts for a blessed few minutes. The tightness loosened slightly. She turned to her open journal on the side and began to write.

She stopped after a few minutes, distracted by a buzz from her phone. Her heart jumped, hoping to see his name. She tapped the screen and her heart sank. It was not him. Her anxiety fueled her thoughts: was she texting too often? Did he need a break from talking to her? Was he sick of dating her? Then she took a deep breath and sat back, thinking of all of the reasons why those thoughts are not true. She thought about all of the times that she had anxiously waited for names of certain guys to appear on her phone screen, thinking that she had done wrong or was too much or not enough. And all of a sudden she got incredibly tired. The exhaustion ran bone-deep, revealing the brittleness of these thought patterns and actions that had made up her dating life for so long. She scribbled furiously in her journal, riding the wave of these memories that no longer served her and getting the poisonous thoughts out of her head. When momentum slowed, there was only one word left: enough. Both a command and a statement. She had had enough. She was enough. It was time to create new thought patterns that were rooted in worthiness.

The tightness began to unravel into the water, and she smiled to herself as she breathed in the faint scent of balance.

A lesson in being myself.

Empathy. Learned as a young girl in a large, chaotic, varied family. Words weren't really given to emotions, so I had to watch and observe. Smiles and laughter = good. Frowns, yelling, tears = bad. Without much context I filled in the gaps, and honed that over the years until it made me really good at imagining, anticipating and predicting how people might feel in certain situations. Almost too good; I often fill in gaps that aren't there and create stories in my mind that can cause more emotional distress than it is sometimes worth. But overall I'm thankful to be empathetic.

The one thing I didn't count on was how much I learned to factor myself into that context of "good" or "bad" in others' experiences. Whether in a friendship or relationship, I like to think that I'm contributing to that person's overall quality of life in a (hopefully) positive way. That's what I look for in my friendships and relationships, at least. So when I'm spending extended time with someone (dating, for example) and they're unhappy, it's really hard for me not to take that personally. For me, the person I'm dating has a direct impact on my mood, so I can only assume it's similar for others. Even if I'm not the cause of a negative mood, I'm clearly not helping make it more positive and that makes me feel pretty useless.

I read a quote the other day from Will Smith that was a good reminder for me:

"You cannot make a person happy... You can make a person smile. You can make a person feel good. You can make a person laugh. But, whether or not a person is happy is deeply and totally and utterly out of your control."

I wish I could say that I've figured out the magic formula that enables me to be completely neutral in these situations and create the perfect emotional distance while still being a great friend and partner. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm wired that way. Even as an adult I still get caught up in needing to watch and observe in order to say the "right" thing to avoid the "bad". But what I'm trying to do is prioritize myself more in relationships, anticipate/predict less, and focus more on my happiness and well-being instead of letting it be dictated by others' actions, interests and moods. Because life is too short to bend over backwards for people that would not do the same for me. It's too short to scramble for the scraps of emotion, empathy and investment that others will throw out occasionally. Better to put that energy into the other awesome people you're surrounding yourself with.

G'nite, friends.

New year, new you.

Happy New Year, friends.

I've been trying to post on here for the last month and have about 100 drafts. Or maybe 6, but still. Half-finished poems, entries and thoughts. But I wanted to write something for the first day of a new decade. 2019 is over and 2020 is here. Wow. Looking back not only on the last year but the last 10 years has blown me away. I decided to reactivate my Facebook for a hot second and look through old pictures. All I can say is...damn. What powerful, visual reminders of who I was, where I've been and where I am now. I had visceral reactions to those photos.

The last 10 years have marked my college graduation and foray into the real world, the beginning (and changing journey) of my career, 99% of my dating history, my struggles and victories with self and body image, my faith journey, and more. The biggest visual for me was realizing that 10 years ago, I would photoshop most of my pictures because I didn't like how I looked. In the picture on the left below, I did exactly that. And I look at that girl with tenderness and am just so incredibly thankful not to be in that headspace anymore. I feel more "me" with each and every year, and I'm really liking how it feels. I'm excited for what 2020 will bring: more of unfiltered, un-photoshopped me.

That's it for now. Keep an eye out for some drafts to be posted. :)

Wake Up.

Wake up.
Life isn't what you thought it would be.
You've been living in a bubble, seeing only what you want to see.
Seeing only what you need to see to keep the peace.

Dig deep with friends and leave family shallow.
A history kept under wraps
But you knew it was bad.
So you had to be good, to be better. To be wanted. To be easy.
Easy, like the past never was.

Follow instructions. To this assignment. To life.
Let others keep to themselves, don't ask the hard questions.
Friend to all,
Yet a stranger to yourself.
People like you better when you
reflect them back to themselves.
Don't rock the boat.
Don't be unlikeable.
Discard yourself for others.
Easy.
Until it's not, and you realize that someone made those up.
Who made these instructions, anyway?
Wake up.

30.

I turn 30 this week. I don’t even know how to register that sentence...age now takes a different form in my mind. Instead of future years being compartments with defined contents, endings and beginnings, they are now fluid. You can do things at 25 that you “should’ve” done at 21. You can be 29 and feel like you’re 18...and simultaneously 40. There’s no limit to the things you can and can’t do at most any age (law permitting, of course).

Last year I was at a formal manager meeting for work where we did an icebreaker, and had to say one important thing we’ve learned up until this point in life. I was the youngest in the room by at least 5 years and was wondering what my contribution would be. I get anxiety having to speak off-the-cuff in groups and while they were moving down the line there were varied answers of “don’t be afraid”, “take chances” and “follow your dreams”; my mind was swimming with thoughts.

"What will they think?"

"Will this make sense?"

"Is this too deep for 9:30am on a Thursday?”

In the end, I overcame the internal struggle and answered, “one of the most important things I’ve learned is that the older I get, the less I know. Life has been a consistent unraveling of everything I ever thought I knew”.

Oof. Did I mention it was 9:30am on a Thursday?

Looking back, to soften the perceived grimness I probably could’ve tied it up with “...life has been a consistent unraveling of everything I ever thought I knew...and creates chances to weave my own patterns.” But as they say, hindsight is 20/20 right?

I got a few surprised looks and a few thoughtful “hmmms” and “ohhhs” and nods. A brief moment where the statement sunk in for reflection...and then they moved to the next person. There was no visible “a-ha!” moment for any of my colleagues, but I felt the satisfied feeling of going with my grain and saying what I needed to say. It was true; the script of life had been rewritten in my mind as I deconstructed certain pillars of success and life progress. Perhaps I'll write on these pillars soon. At my age I did feel like I knew less, but I felt wiser and more confident in what I did know, and more open to the unknown.

That trend of unraveling continues; this year it was my faith. I confronted what I grew up with and how disconnected I felt from it, and I began asking myself the questions that I had either never thought to ask or had been too afraid to answer for myself previously. I have no conclusions, but I have the start to something that feels more solid and “with my grain” than the starter set of my childhood. I anticipate that it will be an ongoing journey, and I am excited to make it my own.

This morning I was talking to the barista at the coffee shop down the street and he said "how does it feel to be turning thirty?", as if bracing himself for my outburst of tears or outrage or subtle desperation at another year gone by. I just replied "I don't know!"...and then, with a smile, "I like getting older". How am I supposed to feel? Would I want to wake up as my 13-yr-old self, a la Jennifer Garner? Probably not. Aside from the physical reminders of hard hangovers, back pain and creaky knees, I don’t know how else I’ll feel the delineation of 30. But one thing I do know is that I do like getting older, because each year I know myself better and become a better friend to myself. And I will always look forward to that.

Thanks for reading, friends :)

Tuck in.

Source: Pinterest

I love this quote. For me it so accurately describes those days (weeks, months, years?) where we don’t quite feel like ourselves. And we have to find the things that make our hearts happy (or did at one point, when we were more ourselves) and practice doing those things as a calling to the self inside, urging it to come back out. It's in there. After some time, perhaps those hands gingerly holding the guitar neck and strumming the strings won’t feel so foreign. Perhaps the urge to do that thing you used to always love doing will become natural again instead of gently forced. It will be like riding a bike...maybe you’ll do that again too.

I have become very familiar with this disjointed feeling, and am grateful that there are still certain scenarios and certain people that keep me connected and hopeful. I've been questioning my very foundation this past year and have felt the definition of burned out and uprooted. This past month since I've quit my job has felt something like blindly walking through fog while picking up the scattered pieces of myself; trying them like puzzle pieces to see what still fits. It also feels a bit like what I would picture amnesia feeling like, in the sense that I seem to forget that I worked in a good career and developed an awesome skillset that will assist me in the next step. Suddenly I've time-traveled to 2011 after graduation, when I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing and didn't have anywhere to start.

What did I quit for again?

Oh yeah, my well being! Although it hasn't been the magical experience that overworked employees daydream about at their desks, I am grateful for the time and space. I know that each puzzle piece I choose will be building a more authentic me, and that's what I will always continue to strive for.

I have a short list I found in my phone of what makes me happy that I wrote in 2016:

- Seeing dogs

- Singing

- Recognition (being recognized by others)

- Kisses

- Affection

- Commitment to plans

- Laughing

- Seattle

I am very grateful to say that all of those exist in my current life, with Seattle being an occasional trip. I must not have finished the list, because I could add so much more to that. Including but not limited to: being in the sunshine, coffee, bacon, love notes, hugs, mom and dad, hugs from mom and dad, live music, family hang outs, deep conversations at breweries, my family's tradition of waving goodbye, walks, hikes, kombucha dates, St. Patty's Day brunch, yoga, Himalayan salt lamps, reading good books, painting, sushi from my favorite spot, and more. I'm relying on the anchors both big and small in my life that instill hope, bring joy, and remind me of myself during this time of big change. Fight for joy, fight for light. Always. 

I hope you're well, friends.

Enjoy the view.

Hi, friends. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (and recovering, from a bad cold). Even though it can knock you down hard, I always appreciate reminders to rest. I also appreciate the reminders I've gotten from a book I've been reading called Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans.

One of the exercises in the book involves writing out your workview and your lifeview, and then finding where the two intersect. Are they aligned? Are they different? Reflecting on these types of questions can help you to address any disconnect you may be feeling. I'm really enjoying the book so far and I wanted to include my answers below:

Workview:
Why work? Part of my answer is "because it's what you're supposed to do", but I've always loved work. Work has brought me tangible feelings of success and I thrive within structure and expectations. I think it's a great place to discover your talents, form relationships with others, support people and contribute to the processes of society. I love helping people love their work more and feel more confident in it.

Lifeview:
Life. Life has meaning to me. Love is real, it changes people. Kindness makes a person's day. We all have crap and we're all just trying to figure it out...and it's important to leave room for people to surprise you. I love people and relationships. I love my alone time too but I am brought to tears by the kindness, intelligence, humor and love of other people. They are amazing. They are intimidating. They are vulnerable. Beauty and color bring me life; the way they can combine in lovely arrays and provide a breathtaking moment both fleeting and joyful. My faith is in the good of humanity. My goal is to help people find the best in themselves; to honor and explore that and use that to ignite everything they do.

I'm making moves to further align my Workview and Lifeview, and I'm excited and terrified. My motivation is to be continually evolving and not stagnant. And hopefully I can dedicate my time to helping people be their best selves at work, which will hopefully extend to life. More to come, friends.

"I won't always know where I'm going, but I can always know whether I'm going in the right direction." - Designing Your Life

Brainstew.

I am currently sitting in Odell Brewing in Rino, sipping on water and enjoying some Green Day (did you catch the title? Very fitting). I am full - today was a great day. It started off with making monkey bread and planning a trip to Boston (I CAN'T WAIT!). Then I drove up to Thornton, visited my parents and had a good chat about life with mom. One of those cleansing kinds of talks that involve tears, hugs, understanding and love. It ended at Odell with a friend/coworker to talk work and life with a background playlist magically curated to us; mostly pop punk/alternative goodness from the early 2000s. I'm not going to lie - I'm the most discombobulated I feel like I've ever been and sitting on the edge of one of the most unpredictable years of my life. But I cherish these moments where it feels like it's all going to work out...(it is).

I'm used to living a templatized life. I have 4 older siblings who have lived life 8-15 years ahead of me, so I felt like I "knew" what to expect in terms of kids, marriage, etc and there would be no surprises. But what I'm realizing is that I was witnessing their lives, and they would still differ from my own. And there would be PLENTY of surprises. I'm used to validating my life against other people..."they did that and it worked out, great!" But I'm venturing into territory that is uniquely my own, and I'm simultaneously terrified and exhilarated. It feels like me, but with no one else to "validate" it but myself, it feels somehow "wrong". I'm learning that this isn't the case with help from a lot of supportive people in my life. And I'm so grateful for that.

I will end this with a letter to 2019.

Dear 2019,

How are you today? I'm doing pretty well. (This is how I write letters). I'm excited to be here with you. I feel like you will know the me-ist version of me. Are you ready? I feel like you will involve a lot of change, excitement, love, tears (of anxiety and joy), and a lot of unknown. I'm ready for it if you are. Let's do this. :)

Love,

Katie

Beyond the binary.

I had a realization this morning...I often think of things in my life as either one thing, or another thing. If I'm not successful at work, I'm unsuccessful. If I'm not heading in a specific direction, I'm lost. If I'm not full in all aspects of my life, I'm empty. My mind has always been a friend to the gray and the in-between, but I still find myself trying to fit into the black and white. The idea of the black and white has an enticing structure when I feel like I am lacking solid footing.

But let me tell you, my life post-college has been anything but black and white.

School was easy, relatively speaking. Make good grades, be nice to people, and you will get validation of who you are as a person. (If I'm not getting A's, I'm failing. If I'm not making my friends happy, I'm a terrible friend). Everyone likes the nice person who can help them on their homework, right? College was an exciting and adventurous change, but still within a structure that was simultaneously terrifying and familiar to me. (Choose your major, choose your life path. Choose wrong, and set yourself up for a series of wrong choices). It made sense for a time...at least until I wasn't in it anymore. Then it was like the Wild West.

How many identity crises are you allowed to experience as a person? Because if there is a quota, I've likely hit it in my twenties. Since graduation, I've tried to grasp whatever sense of stability I could by continuing to seek validation from everyone but myself. How does _____ feel about my choices? What would _____ do? Does _____ like me? It was always comforting to know that I was heading along the "right" path, aka one that other people agreed with me on. The problem is, that path is the most unstable it can possibly be.

Similar to the feeling that you get when you realize your parents don't have all of the answers, I had a realization that other people don't have the answers to my life. They can have all of the opinions and advice in the world, but in the end I'm a different person than they are, and the only one of "me" they will ever know. So to give them ultimate say on what I do would be doing myself a disservice. They probably also don't want that responsibility.

And also, their feelings about everything around them (including me) are constantly changing and have almost everything to do with them, and nothing to do with me. If it has something to do with me, then they will hopefully say something. I do not have to read their minds, which is a relief, because I am usually wrong.

So, back to the drawing board. How do I find stability and flexibility within myself? The answer: start with more headspace. Listen. Leave space in my life and my thoughts for the in-between; open my mind to a curiosity of what is and what could be. Life is not black and white, and I'm learning what that means for me.

I want to live my life from the inside out.

"The world will tell you how to live, if you let it. Don't let it. Take up your space. Raise your voice. Sing your song. This is your chance to make or remake a life that thrills you."

-Shauna Niequist

Goodnight, friends.

Blue Skies.

It is strange and scary when you realize what or who you assign your value to, and how much. I'm so used to hanging my value on others...but that is precarious. It's like I hang it on a tiny nail in a door that swings constantly with the wind or accidentally gets shut by someone who's careless or moves too quickly. And just like that, my value moves and shakes and falls.

I have a hard time being present, but when I give others permission to determine my value and worth, and they unknowingly drop or shatter it, it seems like that's the only moment there is. That's the only life that ever existed, that time spent with that person or those people. Forget the previous decades I've lived, THIS is my life. Everything else was nothing.

Obviously, that's not a fair way to go about that. Not fair to myself or others.

I have lived 29 years and I feel like I have the fear of a 29-yr-old and the knowledge of a 5-yr-old. I usually say that the 20's feel like a constant unlearning of everything I ever thought I knew. But in a good way...often painful, sometimes inspiring, sometimes terrifying...but overall, good. I used to live like the world was the solid thing and I was fluid and unknown, but now I feel more solid and the world feels more fluid. I can find some stability within myself amidst the unpredictability. I like that.

And then there are nights like tonight, when I'm reminded that when I'm tired and worn down and sad and afraid, my strength dwindles and my mind goes to not great places. A weird headspace. Fragile headspace. Toxic headspace. I feel the need to balance everything to feel in control and instead feel out of control. And night is unforgiving.

And these nights will happen, and that's ok. But I've learned that instead of dwelling in this place, it is time to drink some water, put on comfy pajamas and go to sleep. There are no battles to fight today, only rest. There will be a better tomorrow.

Goodnight, friends.

It's Alright, it's OK

I've really been liking this song that showed up on my release radar playlist on Spotify. It's called "It's Alright" by a band called Mother Mother. Take a listen! I've included some of the choruses below:

"It's alright, it's ok, it's alright, it's ok

you're not a monster, just a human

and you've made a few mistakes.

It's alright, it's ok, it's alright, it's ok

you're not gruesome, just human

and you've made a few mistakes.

It's alright. It's ok.

It's alright, it's ok, it's alright, it's ok

you're not a demon, there's a reason

you behave in that way.

It's alright, it's ok, it's alright, it's ok

and I believe, yes I believe,

 that you will see a better day.

It's alright. It's ok.”

I have to be honest, this week has run me over. I've had a serious case of imposter syndrome at work...what am I doing there? What do I have to contribute? When will they find out I really shouldn't be there? As managers we came up against mistakes that our team members made that cost the agency a lot of money, and we have to be accountable for them and also communicate that those mistakes can't be happening. This isn't the first time this has happened, though it was a different type of mistake, so I had to defend one of my employees against angry executives that only see those mistakes and don't see the growth and effort. I understand that this is a manager's job, but I've been trying to figure out if I fit into this.

We've also had a lot of interviews this week with prospective employees, and I realized that I haven't nailed down a good description of my role. I stumble in my introduction...not fully able to find the words to capture my thoughts about what I do and describe it genuinely.

My current intro: "My name's Katie, I'm the Manager of Paid Search Services & Development. I manage a team of strategists, specialists and coordinators and also manage Paid Search and Shopping strategy across the department to make sure we're consistent, aligned with best practices and innovating across accounts (buzzword, buzzword, buzzword). I created a training program for our department to make sure that new people coming in are fully supported and know who to ask questions to so they're not drowning, which is the development piece of my role.”

It always feels fake when I say it. I don't know why. Maybe because it doesn't acknowledge the journey...I came into advertising with a psych degree. I knew absolutely nothing. When I started at my last agency, there was no one to ask for help and we had to figure it out. I remember the complete panic of being given a task (and every task felt monumental) and not getting full direction. As I progressed at my agency I never wanted anyone else to have that same feeling, so I became the unofficial trainer.

When I came to my new agency, I fell into a similar role of unofficial trainer. Account leads were too stressed to train and utilize their junior-level support people, and our support people were feeling useless and not learning anything. On top of that, our strategists weren't talking to each other and everyone had their own way of doing things. I made time to give people help, pushing aside the work for my 8 client accounts to prioritize other people. But I would still have to get the client work done, which just left me extremely burned out. So after about a year of that, I decided that I needed to make my training role official or I would leave. My boss listened and supported me in an awesome way by helping me to create it. And in creating my role and making it successful, I enabled other people to have a similar role across departments. Now there is a training program in place to make sure that new people coming in are fully supported and know who to ask questions to so they're not left high and dry.

Do I like advertising? Not really. It was fun at first but now I'm over the daily revenue goals and lack of small wins. Do I like supporting people? Absolutely. And management allows me to do that directly. However, there's a lot of other things that come with that in this management role, and I've been taking a good hard look at how I want to move forward.

When I have these rough weeks, it's helpful to remember the journey. It's also helpful to remember that things can always change. I can either change them for myself, or I can be open that they'll change on their own. At my old agency I remember when they dissolved my team and moved everyone into sections with their new teams...except me. They gave me a lone cube in the hallway, with no neighbors. I remember thinking that I could be coloring in a corner and they wouldn't have cared. BUT. Things changed. I moved into a team, I reasserted myself and created a new position at the agency for myself and others at my level who were forced to do things above our pay grade. I left that agency having felt that I made an impact.

I've said a lot of not nice things about myself this week, that catch me off guard and remind me that I am always a work in progress. And I'm grateful for people who listen and support, and allow me to have my ugly thoughts but also help combat them. I normally hold it together so other people can be themselves, but it's been a refreshing, humbling and slightly anxiety-inducing experience to have that for myself. So far, I haven't scared anyone away. :) I'm alright, I'm ok.

Day 10: Best Friend

Hi, folks. How's Wednesday treating you? It snowed today for the first time! It makes me excited for big, fluffy blankets and hot chocolate (dairy-free, of course).

When I checked what today's challenge was, I immediately thought "oh I can't do it! I'm not around anyone I love!" And then I thought...wait a second. Of course I am.

Let me tell you about my best friend. I can go to her about anything, and she's been there through thick and thin. Although she hasn't always been nice to me and I haven't been nice to her, we always talk it through and come out closer than before. We sing together, laugh together, cry together, dance together, and do 10-minute cardio videos together when we don't feel like going to yoga. Whenever I feel pulled in every direction by everyone's opinion, she reminds me that I am intrinsically valuable without anyone else's input. If it was just me, here by myself, I would still be whole and complete. I try to remind her of the same because often she is telling others that but not believing it of herself.

She is a deep thinker and an overanalyzer to the utmost degree, which I think is why we get along so well. But it can put both of us in difficult places when we try to read people's minds and use those fake thoughts to build ourselves up or put ourselves down. She is kind, giving and genuine. And she's always excited to make someone laugh. She always tries to see the good in people and situations, which helps me be more optimistic when I'm having tough days. I trust her wholeheartedly and learn from her every day. I couldn't imagine living this life with anyone else.

Goodnight, friends. :)

The Women's Locker Room

I'd like to take a moment and talk about the womens' locker room at the gym. I find it fascinating, and not just because there are always the token older ladies who don't give a damn and just walk around everywhere completely naked (can I please be you when I'm older?).

I went to a class at 6am before work this morning which is out of my norm. And I say "out of my norm" to emphasize the fact that I am not normally this ambitious; I'm much more of an evening workout person when I go. But it's interesting to see the difference between the pre-work and the post-work locker room buzz.

There is something unique that happens in the morning in that locker room: bodies of all shapes and sizes and so many morning routines come together. Fresh-out-of-the-shower faces and wet hair seem to be a portrait of vulnerability; you see the face behind the face that everyone sees on a day to day basis. We all spend so much time getting ready in the mornings, putting ourselves together for another day out in the world. What does that entail exactly? Well, it's different for everyone.

As I stand at a long mirror blowdrying my hair to "Katie standards" (7 steps below actually dry but 3 above "I fell into a fountain"), I'm next to a woman meticulously curling her perfectly dried hair. In the mirror across the way, another girl does spiral curls with a straightener. Which I will someday teach myself how to do from Pinterest. Other girls just wrap their wet hair up in a bun (you go, girl).

Then comes the makeup. My makeup includes my staples from Target, nothing fancy. I don't really notice anyone else's makeup but what I do notice are the blank slates that everyone presents to the mirror. I can feel the vulnerability myself as I perform a routine typically performed alone in front of my own bathroom mirror. Not insecure, but aware of all of the different approaches we take to the day. It almost feels like we're all bonded together by that experience before taking on the day; we've all seen each other sans makeup as strangers, wrapped in a towel with hair undone. We ourselves are undone, but in a comfortable way. A liberating way.

And I really appreciate that about the women's locker room.

People, Places, Things.

Sometimes it is just crazy to me what a wealth of memory we have. Memories tied to places, places tied to people and you're left riding on waves of nostalgia...sometimes exhilarated, sometimes nauseated, and maybe somewhere in between. Where did the time go? It's a reminder of the depth of life, and especially the depth of your own.

This past Saturday, I went shopping at the mall with my close friend Andrea. We walked by Dillard's and were reminded of a time during freshman year of college when we went to go try on prom dresses and take pictures for the heck of it. As we remembered back on this and stared at each other with a gleam in our eyes, we decided, "why not?". We each picked out our favorite and least favorite dresses and decided to have some fun with it again.

We somehow managed to pick out the same dressing room, and jokingly took a few pictures. Strangely enough it wasn't until we were back at our cars and looking over our old pictures from 8 years ago that I got a tangible reminder of where I had been compared to where I am now. And all of the feelings that came along with that.

In hindsight, I was really insecure and had no self-love back then. Everything I was, everything I had could be changed and in my mind needed to be changed if life was going to get to where I wanted it to be. There was a finish line, and ultimate physical beauty (and everything that came with that benefit) was at the end of it. To make it there seemed like an impossible but necessary feat.

Now, I know myself, and I can truly say that I love myself. Instead of focusing on a finish line, I'd rather focus on the present moment. I have a relationship with my body that is nurturing instead of hateful, and I have a confidence in what I do and who I am. Is that 100% of the time? No. Life isn't perfect but I wouldn't trade this grounded feeling for any sort of re-do of the past.

To say that I am grateful overall for where I am now compared to then is an understatement, but I am learning to appreciate the journey more and more. It is those memories that remind us of our immense depth and strength. We are not just that 9-5 drag, or that terrible work meeting. We are superheroes jumping off of the fireplace with blanket capes. We are the awkward middle schoolers writing notes to our crush. We are the brave ones heading off to college or a new job or a new place. We are the "new kids" trying to make friends, who eventually do make friends. Really good ones. We take risks, we excel, we love, we hurt, we breathe, we create. We try on prom dresses at 26 (or maybe that's just me).

It reminds me of a Rumi quote that I love:

Don't forget your depth, friends. Cheers to you, and to this rare day.

The Crockpot Club, pt. 2

Hi friends.

Awhile ago, I wrote a post about The Crockpot Club at work. It's a group that meets weekly and people rotate cooking a crockpot meal for everyone. That part is pretty cool. However, it's invite-only. That part is not so cool.

Well, the day has come...*drumroll*...I received an invite this week.

Honestly, the first thing I did was laugh. It was a combination of how the invite was phrased (very official and contingent upon other members leaving) and thinking about how I used to feel about it. It didn't really seem worth the thought, because I still didn't really have an interest in cooking. I just wanted the invite...2 years ago when I started.

I don't think I'll join, for a combination of reasons. I don't want to foster that exclusive vibe at work, I don't like to cook on command, and I don't want to carry a crockpot on my morning bus ride. Mainly the first reason.

Just wanted to give you all that funny update. Oh, life. :)

Fight for yourself.

Here I sit on this quiet night, my journal open in front of me to an entry I wrote this same day last year, just after Christmas and before the new year. It tells of a darker time: "...I feel drained, empty, hurt, angry, frustrated, confused, helpless, worthless, cynical, jaded, hopeless, afraid, anxious, exhausted, insincere, disconnected, apathetic". And I had ended the entry with "sleep, the reprieve".

It was rough, and a crippling cocktail of feelings. Honestly I had been stuck in a melancholy for as long as I could remember. Easy to gloss over during the day, but not so much at night when it's just you and your thoughts. It was so steady that I felt it to be the norm...it wasn't severe enough to be too alarming, but I knew it wasn't how I was supposed to feel.

In the new year, I decided some things. I was going to break the melancholy once and for all...however I could. My New Years resolution? To fight for myself, and fight to do lovely things for myself. Because it is only then that I could give to others how I should and view others as I should. I wanted to recognize myself, love myself, and choose my side instead of the lies that creep in all too often. Because if you're not on your own side, what else do you have really?

There have been pivotal moments this year that have been the agents of immense growth in my life. But they came in the form of conversations and books, laughter and new people. I'm still at the same job and in the same apartment as last year, and it's been comforting to know that you can still change while remaining still in other ways.

To start off the year I had a conversation with a close friend in which she told me that she observed my melancholy triggers to be guys and social media. I knew this, but it was something about hearing it from her that clicked with me. Since I could control one of those things, I began a 9-month break from Instagram and Facebook that left me feeling instantly lifted and present.

My behavior changed. I no longer put myself down. If I started to have a thought that was self-degrading ("I shouldn't have said that, that was dumb", "I don't look good today", etc), I stopped myself mid-thought in my mind and never spoke it out loud. I graciously accepted compliments. If I caught others putting themselves down the same way, I would tell them not to. After time you become so much kinder to yourself, and it's a beautiful and restoring thing.

Another thing that helped me was a bible verse, Jeremiah 31:4. This was refreshing because I have been in a dry spell with the church and my faith has taken a much different shape than church every Sunday. But it was just after the new year, and the pastor at Bloom gave a sermon on limping into the new year instead of skipping. I really connected with it, and I took from it this verse:

"You will build us back up again, and we will be rebuilt". 

We will be rebuilt. This gave me a simple peace that I was craving, and became my mantra for the beginning of 2015 that ended up framing my whole year.

Another main one was a book that I read in March, called The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. It completely shifted how I view the world and my own thoughts, and I became less controlled by them in tangible ways that allowed me to have more energy and feel lighter in life.

There are many other contributing factors, but those were the main ones that allowed me to rise above the mainstay melancholy that I had grown accustomed to. I am so grateful for this year and for growth. It has opened me up to meet some amazing new people who have also shaped me, and to continue to connect with the current people in my life in healthier ways. 

I am genuinely excited for 2016, and I hope that you can say the same. And if you feel like you're limping into the new year instead of skipping, it's ok. I hope that you can find the courage to fight for yourself and seek what you need.

Cheers, friends! <3

Adult Goodbyes.

It's almost 10:30pm as I start this, and I have 22 minutes left on my laundry timer. I want to sleep, but more importantly I'd like to stop this swirl of emotion and thought in my head. I'm thankful for the time to write.

Now, I am challenged to put my words from my guest post to action: to see the beauty in the not yet beautiful. This last week I decided to essentially end a friendship I had with one of my closest and best friends. Why, do you ask? Well, because I couldn't just be friends, and that's all that he wanted to be. There comes a point where you have to value your time enough to know that you shouldn't spend it with someone you like who's not interested in you. Seems obvious, right? But also regardless of how close you are or how much fun you have together. That's the tough part.

I'm slowly learning the meaning of what I like to call adult goodbyes. And what I mean by that is, not every goodbye needs to be dramatic, impulsive, or negative. Or final, for that matter. Previously I've had friendships that disintegrated after an explosion of aggression that was kept passive for far too long. I've had dramatic cold turkey cut-offs. A lot of my friendship endings (and there haven't been a ton, thankfully) have been drawn out and emotionally draining. So when I first starting thinking about ending this friendship, my mind went to one of those scenarios.

But then I realized that this was different. The main difference being that this was a friendship that had developed into an open line of communication and support. We met to talk, and we were able to have an honest, respectful and validating conversation where we truly wanted what was best in this situation. The problem is, what's best? There is no cut-and-dried approach that makes everything easy. Is there a way to keep this valuable friendship in some capacity? I didn't have an answer. But regardless, I knew that right now I needed space. So we're currently in that period of space where we're not talking or hanging out for awhile, and we'll see what comes of it.

It's easy to write, but it's extremely hard to untangle the roots that others have left in you and your life. There are little and big reminders every day. But each day is a step, and ultimately this will lead to something better. Life can be messy and one big gray area and that is what makes it equal parts terrifying and beautiful.

Becoming more...me.

I will be the first to admit: I am not good at keeping up this blog these days. That's ok, though. It does not mean it will always be like this, nor does it mean it won't always be like this. Is just is what it is right now. Most of the things in life are what they are right in this moment, if you think about it. 

One thing I've been learning and trying to practice is to stop myself from going down the analysis path of everything. Not only am I prone to analyze everything because I love analyzing, but I am also acutely aware of others in every interaction. Instead of being self-conscious, it's purely others-conscious (technical term, obviously). It's about how someone else feels in the interaction and how I can make it the best possible interaction for them. If someone makes a joke, I'll usually laugh. Mostly because it's funny but also because I know the feeling of when you make a joke and no one laughs, and I don't want someone else to experience that. That's just one example I can think of. Honestly, it's exhausting when not balanced properly. And when typing it out just now it can sound mostly ridiculous.

I am notorious for taking smaller things and interactions and creating analyses. Sometimes a glance or a smile or a brief conversation is just that...a glance or a smile or a brief conversation. Does it have a meaning? Not one that's necessarily worth mulling over unless it leads to further action. Some things just aren't worth analyzing the crap out of, and that was a seemingly obvious concept that was an epiphany for me. I just want everything to have meaning! I'd say to myself. Analysis equaled meaning for me. But, some things can have a meaning to you without an in-depth story behind it.

All that to say, I've been learning some stuff. For all of the analysis I've done on myself to try and figure myself out over the years, nothing has been more impactful for me than the last few months. I decided that I would start living life for myself, and not in a selfish way, but in a "there's no time to waste!" way. Friends, job, relationships, family...all went under the lens. I realized that all of these years I had been living a path set out for me: elementary school, middle school, high school, college, job, marriage, house, kids. Honestly, that thought of such a linear path is suffocating to me. Where's the adventure?! I realized that I had to take matters into my own hands, and own both the life I have lived up until this point, and the life I will live after this point. Do they have to be drastically different? No, but the fact that I am owning them makes all the difference. No one is dictating anymore; I am choosing my path regardless if the next steps are completely visible or not.

So far I haven't made any drastic changes...I've talked about them, and it makes me excited, but I also need a bit more of a push and am not going to do something unless I have some sort of something outlined. I am trying to give myself grace in this crazy period. But even though the stars haven't aligned and I don't have those next steps yet, I've never felt happier about myself :) which is truly a gift that I am grateful for. So here's to adventure and next steps, friends!