A life without FOMO.

How are you guys holding up?

Gratitude has been a common theme for me. Grateful for a job. For virtual morning coffee dates and nighttime drink dates. For being able to still get outside for a walk. For teletherapy. For Instant Pots and weighted blankets, and exercise videos on YouTube. For Netflix. For the amazing things that people are doing during this time and the creative ways people are contributing to the well-being of others. I'm currently listening to a beautiful livestream of the lead singer of Young the Giant, Sameer Gadhia, on Twitch. It's these tiny moments that help string together what feels like endless days.

Another pro: this is probably the closest we'll get to no FOMO, or fear of missing out. An interesting thought.

Years ago, I chose some of my favorite words, wrote them together, and framed them. One day I decided to write out phrases to go with these words, and I found them in my photo album last night. It made me smile. Instead of sharing these words with you in one big chunk, I'd like to break them up into a few posts and add some context about what they mean to me and why I chose the phrases that I did.

awaken to the call inside of you.

I wrote these words in 2015, but I have felt the most awake this past year. Leaving my job was the biggest decision I made to move closer to what I wanted to do with my life, but I've also made other decisions that have brought me closer and closer to where I need to be.

Speaking specifically to this unique time in life with the pandemic, I've woken up from routine. Things that I've always expected would be there are either limited or no longer there. Loved ones are directly impacted. I need to be on my game to help. We all need to be.

thrive right now.

I've always loved the word "thrive". In reading it I can immediately sense the meaning...not just living, not just getting by, but living life from the heights to the depths. Feeling everything, moving through everything, and coming out more sure of who you are on the other end.

reflect on how far you've come.

When I really sit and think about it, I am blown away at how far I've come over the years. I consistently feel more settled in myself with each passing year and each experience. I remember the days where the unknown scared me immensely...it was easier to follow others and take on their opinions because I was afraid to risk making people uncomfortable by being myself. I was afraid to ask questions, afraid of being wrong, and afraid of being an outsider. I still have those fears pop up occasionally, but I have tools to work them back down and re-wire them to better thoughts.

explore what it means to be YOU.

I'm a fan of self-reflection, but having this intense period of solo time is showing me new things even still. I'm trying to take those things, sit on them, and then work towards ways to be a better version of myself.

play every single moment.

It's so important to remember to play, especially as adults. That's why I love being around children; they show you what it means to be unrestrictedly joyful. When I was in Jamaica for a mission trip in college, we went to a school in a town called Friendship and played games with the children. I just remember being so amazed at how many games they could come up with by just linking hands in a giant circle. It was the most fun I had had in a long time. In this time of quarantine, playing can look like using goofy filters on FaceTime calls, photoshopping faces onto funny pictures, or playing games with friends on video calls. I'm trying to seek out more of these opportunities.

experience true love.

Love has always been on my brain. Apparently, according to a survey I took for an online course recently, it is my #1 signature strength. I've always valued close relationships with others and tend to make them a priority in decision-making. This unfortunately has also brought me to many relationships and friendships where I lost myself and got absorbed in others. For so long I focused on what I needed to be on a person-by-person basis, making myself a chameleon to changing whims, but in the last year I've focused more on who I want to be as a complete person, an authentic friend and a true partner. It's a constant learning experience but I feel like that's how it should be; I always want to be looking for ways to be the best version of myself.

listen for the unspoken.

I am a grade-A listener. Additionally I am a highly sensitive person and can feel the energy and tension of a room when I walk into it. This is a pro and a con, because often this keeps me from being truly myself regardless of what others may think. For example, if I sense someone is uncomfortable, I will refrain from potentially contributing anything to the conversation/situation that would make that person feel even more uncomfortable. This is something that I'm working on balancing better. That said, listening in general is so important. You don't miss what someone might not be saying.

inspire everyone's best self.

When you truly appreciate someone for who they are, they shine. I've seen this time and time again at work while I was training, mentoring and managing, and with friends when I've called out things that I've noticed about them that I really appreciate. I love all of the people I surround myself with and I want to make sure they know that consistently.

Love to you, friends. Thanks for reading.

Heart things. [Part III]

A lot of things to say this month, which is a nice change after feeling dormant for awhile. I wanted to continue the theme of "heart things", since today is the holiday of the heart. A lot of people have very strong opinions about Valentine's Day, but I've always loved it as a reminder to show a little extra love to the people in your life. I've only spent 3 Valentine's Days with significant others, so the day has always been characterized by showing love to my friends, family and coworkers. I miss the days where you'd go and pick out valentines to hand out, excitedly picking themed ones with your favorite pattern/color/cartoon character/movie character. I'd know immediately which ones I wanted to give to my best friends (the biggest one with the best saying) and which ones I'd probably give to the people I didn't get along with very well in class (without being too mean). Throughout my career I still liked to get little valentines for my coworkers, just to brighten the day.

This year I'm without coworkers, but that's ok. I still received lovely texts, sent some of my own, and wore a pretty red shirt.

Happy heart things:

• A St. Bernard puppy named "Garbanzo" exists
• My friend asking me to be background vocals and guitar in live performances of his upcoming album (more on this in a later post, because this is SUPER exciting for me!)
• Running into a local on the street today and getting a potential new freelance gig from it
• Sweet texts
• Excitement, intention and consistency
• Feeling heard
• When a smile gets stuck on your face
• "You Make My Dreams" by Hall & Oates
• Gifts from friends
• New adventures ahead

May you be aware of all of the love in your life today and always, friends. Happy Valentine's Day!

[More] heart things.

I felt like a follow-up was needed after my previous post...

1.) I PASSED! I passed the aPHR. It was actually pretty funny because at the end of the test there was a notice that said "results will come in 24 to 48 hours", so I was like...cool. Not today. And then I left the testing center and they gave me a paper that I promptly folded up and put in my pocket so that I could leave as quickly as possible. I'm texting everyone saying "yeah I don't know how I did, hopefully alright but there were some vague questions. We'll see." Fast forward about an hour and a half. I finally think to myself "oh, I wonder what that paper was". So I look at this paper and the very first paragraph says "Congratulations! You've passed the exam!" Hahaha. If only I would've paid more attention to what was right in front of me. Regardless, I'm excited and some next steps are in the works.

2.) My heart is still beating. Irregularly, but that's normal. I actually had a very strange experience with both the cardiologist and the nurse, and will probably try to find somewhere else to go after my upcoming tests. Results on my condition are unknown until then, basically. Patience.

I had a lovely "Galentine's Day" dinner with some friends tonight, and it was so good to see them after so long. And so strange, because my life was the hot topic of conversation and it's changed a lot since I've seen them. I learned some things that were hard to hear. And I said some things that were hard to say. Regardless, I stayed true to who I was and still am. But processing the conversation after getting home was emotional for me and I'm so glad that I'm going to bed.

Life is just so weird. And lovely. And heart-wrenching, and thought-provoking, and terrifying, and often wonderful. I'm grateful to be living it.

Night, friends.

The Crockpot Club, pt. 2

Hi friends.

Awhile ago, I wrote a post about The Crockpot Club at work. It's a group that meets weekly and people rotate cooking a crockpot meal for everyone. That part is pretty cool. However, it's invite-only. That part is not so cool.

Well, the day has come...*drumroll*...I received an invite this week.

Honestly, the first thing I did was laugh. It was a combination of how the invite was phrased (very official and contingent upon other members leaving) and thinking about how I used to feel about it. It didn't really seem worth the thought, because I still didn't really have an interest in cooking. I just wanted the invite...2 years ago when I started.

I don't think I'll join, for a combination of reasons. I don't want to foster that exclusive vibe at work, I don't like to cook on command, and I don't want to carry a crockpot on my morning bus ride. Mainly the first reason.

Just wanted to give you all that funny update. Oh, life. :)

Fight for yourself.

Here I sit on this quiet night, my journal open in front of me to an entry I wrote this same day last year, just after Christmas and before the new year. It tells of a darker time: "...I feel drained, empty, hurt, angry, frustrated, confused, helpless, worthless, cynical, jaded, hopeless, afraid, anxious, exhausted, insincere, disconnected, apathetic". And I had ended the entry with "sleep, the reprieve".

It was rough, and a crippling cocktail of feelings. Honestly I had been stuck in a melancholy for as long as I could remember. Easy to gloss over during the day, but not so much at night when it's just you and your thoughts. It was so steady that I felt it to be the norm...it wasn't severe enough to be too alarming, but I knew it wasn't how I was supposed to feel.

In the new year, I decided some things. I was going to break the melancholy once and for all...however I could. My New Years resolution? To fight for myself, and fight to do lovely things for myself. Because it is only then that I could give to others how I should and view others as I should. I wanted to recognize myself, love myself, and choose my side instead of the lies that creep in all too often. Because if you're not on your own side, what else do you have really?

There have been pivotal moments this year that have been the agents of immense growth in my life. But they came in the form of conversations and books, laughter and new people. I'm still at the same job and in the same apartment as last year, and it's been comforting to know that you can still change while remaining still in other ways.

To start off the year I had a conversation with a close friend in which she told me that she observed my melancholy triggers to be guys and social media. I knew this, but it was something about hearing it from her that clicked with me. Since I could control one of those things, I began a 9-month break from Instagram and Facebook that left me feeling instantly lifted and present.

My behavior changed. I no longer put myself down. If I started to have a thought that was self-degrading ("I shouldn't have said that, that was dumb", "I don't look good today", etc), I stopped myself mid-thought in my mind and never spoke it out loud. I graciously accepted compliments. If I caught others putting themselves down the same way, I would tell them not to. After time you become so much kinder to yourself, and it's a beautiful and restoring thing.

Another thing that helped me was a bible verse, Jeremiah 31:4. This was refreshing because I have been in a dry spell with the church and my faith has taken a much different shape than church every Sunday. But it was just after the new year, and the pastor at Bloom gave a sermon on limping into the new year instead of skipping. I really connected with it, and I took from it this verse:

"You will build us back up again, and we will be rebuilt". 

We will be rebuilt. This gave me a simple peace that I was craving, and became my mantra for the beginning of 2015 that ended up framing my whole year.

Another main one was a book that I read in March, called The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. It completely shifted how I view the world and my own thoughts, and I became less controlled by them in tangible ways that allowed me to have more energy and feel lighter in life.

There are many other contributing factors, but those were the main ones that allowed me to rise above the mainstay melancholy that I had grown accustomed to. I am so grateful for this year and for growth. It has opened me up to meet some amazing new people who have also shaped me, and to continue to connect with the current people in my life in healthier ways. 

I am genuinely excited for 2016, and I hope that you can say the same. And if you feel like you're limping into the new year instead of skipping, it's ok. I hope that you can find the courage to fight for yourself and seek what you need.

Cheers, friends! <3

The Crockpot Club

It's amazing how quickly we can come to feel inadequate. And by what means we come to feel inadequate. I never thought that I'd say these words, but for me it was...the Crockpot Club.

What is the Crockpot Club, you ask? Oh, just a group of people from work who get together every Thursday and rotate who cooks a crockpot meal. However, it's invite-only. Like a "popular kids" group at work. Initially I found it entertaining, and figured that I didn't know people well enough to join. But after some months passed and my friend who sat next to me received an invite and stopped going to lunch with me because of it, I was surprised at how it affected me.

I was jealous. Angry, even.

I thought, "you can have your stupid Crockpot Club! I'm just going to sit over here with my NEW friends and eat my lunchable and fruit-by-the-foot with my Hi-C orange drink. Hmph. Who do they think they are anyways, with their dumb crockpot meals?" What was I, in middle school again? It was like having horrible flashbacks to every moment in childhood where you were rejected or not chosen to be one of "the chosen". Anyone? Anyone? Anyways, as I sat thinking about this, I realized a few things.

One is that there are people who like to take high school behavior with them into adult life. There is no avoiding it, unfortunately. You'll hear (and sadly be sucked in sometimes) to gossip about "did you see what so-and-so is wearing? Gross." or "can you believe that so-and-so did this?" Also, most of the time people just like to be in their cliques, and they like to have control over those cliques and unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally) create exclusivity where they can. Everyone wants to be a part of something, right? And finally I realized that contrary to what I believed throughout my school years growing up, it's ok to not be a part of that...mainly because A.) I don't like cooking on command and am barely even able to cook for myself most days and B.) I am 25, not 14. I have my own contributions and personality and most sane people will not judge me on whether or not I made it in to Crockpot Club. I generally succeed at life without that accolade to decorate my LinkedIn with.

At the end of the day, I'm grateful for things like the Crockpot Club...because it reminds me of how easy it is to make things exclusive, and how important it is to make people feel on the inside when I can. When you get down to it, we're all just trying to live this crazy life the best way we can...so we might as well try and support each other in it instead of alienate.

I was encouraged to write a post about this on here by my close friend Katie (52beautifulthings.com). She has a wonderful, inspiring blog that you should check out. I am truly honored to know her. And I know that she would always include me in her Crockpot Club.

And it is with these thoughts that I send you off to the rest of the week: remember to be open, and not closed. Be open to including and being surprised by people. I promise it will be worth it.

Enjoy your week, friends. :)