A lesson in being myself.

Empathy. Learned as a young girl in a large, chaotic, varied family. Words weren't really given to emotions, so I had to watch and observe. Smiles and laughter = good. Frowns, yelling, tears = bad. Without much context I filled in the gaps, and honed that over the years until it made me really good at imagining, anticipating and predicting how people might feel in certain situations. Almost too good; I often fill in gaps that aren't there and create stories in my mind that can cause more emotional distress than it is sometimes worth. But overall I'm thankful to be empathetic.

The one thing I didn't count on was how much I learned to factor myself into that context of "good" or "bad" in others' experiences. Whether in a friendship or relationship, I like to think that I'm contributing to that person's overall quality of life in a (hopefully) positive way. That's what I look for in my friendships and relationships, at least. So when I'm spending extended time with someone (dating, for example) and they're unhappy, it's really hard for me not to take that personally. For me, the person I'm dating has a direct impact on my mood, so I can only assume it's similar for others. Even if I'm not the cause of a negative mood, I'm clearly not helping make it more positive and that makes me feel pretty useless.

I read a quote the other day from Will Smith that was a good reminder for me:

"You cannot make a person happy... You can make a person smile. You can make a person feel good. You can make a person laugh. But, whether or not a person is happy is deeply and totally and utterly out of your control."

I wish I could say that I've figured out the magic formula that enables me to be completely neutral in these situations and create the perfect emotional distance while still being a great friend and partner. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm wired that way. Even as an adult I still get caught up in needing to watch and observe in order to say the "right" thing to avoid the "bad". But what I'm trying to do is prioritize myself more in relationships, anticipate/predict less, and focus more on my happiness and well-being instead of letting it be dictated by others' actions, interests and moods. Because life is too short to bend over backwards for people that would not do the same for me. It's too short to scramble for the scraps of emotion, empathy and investment that others will throw out occasionally. Better to put that energy into the other awesome people you're surrounding yourself with.

G'nite, friends.

Grateful.

This is what I am grateful for today.

- Anticipation of new albums coming out that are made by friends
- Sweet texts
- A good hamburger
- Good family time
- A delicious beer
- Caring friends reaching out
- A puppy snuggled on your lap (meet Willow below! Not mine..but so cute.)
- Oat vanilla lattes
- Getting work done before the deadline
- A catchy song
- Compliments
- Feeling good about your outfit
- Sushi!
- Seeing good friends
- Fridays

Welcome to the weekend, friends :)

New year, new you.

Happy New Year, friends.

I've been trying to post on here for the last month and have about 100 drafts. Or maybe 6, but still. Half-finished poems, entries and thoughts. But I wanted to write something for the first day of a new decade. 2019 is over and 2020 is here. Wow. Looking back not only on the last year but the last 10 years has blown me away. I decided to reactivate my Facebook for a hot second and look through old pictures. All I can say is...damn. What powerful, visual reminders of who I was, where I've been and where I am now. I had visceral reactions to those photos.

The last 10 years have marked my college graduation and foray into the real world, the beginning (and changing journey) of my career, 99% of my dating history, my struggles and victories with self and body image, my faith journey, and more. The biggest visual for me was realizing that 10 years ago, I would photoshop most of my pictures because I didn't like how I looked. In the picture on the left below, I did exactly that. And I look at that girl with tenderness and am just so incredibly thankful not to be in that headspace anymore. I feel more "me" with each and every year, and I'm really liking how it feels. I'm excited for what 2020 will bring: more of unfiltered, un-photoshopped me.

That's it for now. Keep an eye out for some drafts to be posted. :)

November.

There were three responses to my previous post, and they meant the world to me. Reminders that people are still listening, even when I feel like I'm screaming into the void. Thank you to those people from the bottom of my heart.

It's a strange season right now, and after waiting for someone to tell me that I'm living the life that I'm supposed to be living, I realized that I just need to live it. I was journaling in the coffee shop up the street the other day and tiny dreams started to poke through...things like pick up French again and travel to France to test out the language. Write meaningful things for both myself and others, whether it's poetry, haikus or general thoughts. Learn how to write songs. Paint more watercolor paintings. Maybe try bouldering again or go on a solo yurt trip. And maybe the most dramatic...build an actual routine.

I realize that I am living most people's dream: no 9-5. I never pictured my life like this, and I am simultaneously grateful for it and terrified by it. My brain chimes in: "you weren't meant for this life! This is meant for someone with a lot of money to travel and someone who doesn't want to be owned by 'the man'! You're not creative or adventurous enough!". It's been interesting combatting these stories, because obviously they're not true but they've revealed my thoughts on this freelance life. And even though I feel like this won't be forever, it's where I am now and I'm opening my mind to new, unconventional possibilities.

One thing that has been extremely difficult is lack of connection with people. I am part introvert but also thrive on genuine interaction with other people, so my freelance schedule and my breakup have left me to my own devices. In addition to my lovely friends that I get to see, my community has turned into the baristas, bartenders and shopkeepers that I try to come in regular contact with. I'm grateful for all of these moments of connection and also seeking more consistency here.

One day at a time.

Unremarkable.

It's been a rough week, to say the very least.

Tonight, I decided to walk to First Friday on Tennyson. For those of you who aren't familiar, it's one of 6 main art walks held throughout Denver on the first Friday of every month. Sometimes with food, sometimes with music, always with cool art. I pictured the night in my mind: I'd get there early, catch happy hour at a bar, browse some shops, maybe see some artwork. Ideally I would've loved some company but it was one of those nights where everyone had plans (what was it, Friday night or something?). I embarked on my journey alone, determined to have some good solo time.

I approach Tennyson and look up happy hours on my phone like a good, proactive millennial. West End Tap House is on the list. I pause and think back to a memory during summer of last year, where I went to First Friday with a friend and walked into West End. I was not intending to run into a guy I had been dating for nearly 2 months...on a date with someone else. It was pretty devastating for me. But I had worked through it and had found a much better relationship afterwards, so I figured it was time for a redemption trip for some new memories. Well, it was fairly packed. A waitress told me "sit anywhere you'd like!" and so I navigated to a spot at the end of a picnic table outside. People were chatting around me, almost wary of the lone girl at the end of the table; like the desire to go somewhere solo was a disease they didn't want to catch. I shuffled through apps on my phone.

Unfortunately the people were more aware of me than the waitresses. 15 minutes later, after what felt like an eternity of eye contact and solid awkwardness but no interaction, I decided to leave. On my way out, the same waitress who directed me to find a seat anywhere also made way for me to leave. I told her that no one had come and helped me, and she tried to figure out where I was sitting. I told her, and she apologized, and then I said "it's okay, I'm just going to go somewhere else" and walked off. I was almost in tears. Startled by this reaction, I tried to figure out why it was so emotional for me.

Because I was ignored and forgotten. Insert old, familiar stories: I am unremarkable, I am forgettable, I am not worthy of time and attention. I don't belong here, and everyone knows.

It always bothers me when bar staff or servers don't take notice of me when I've been standing/sitting there for a bit. It doesn't happen extremely often but in a busy bar, I feel like I am the last to get noticed. I'm unassuming, my voice blends into the background, and I look like a person who can wait for 50 other people to be helped ahead of me. I resent this a lot. At 30, I'm still working on how to handle this.

So I nearly cried as I walked a couple of shops down to another bar. Thankfully I had a better experience there with prompt and friendly service. But as I was walking home tonight it hit me again, and what was even worse was that the person I would call to talk these kinds of things out with is no longer available to me. I am alone. I remain forgotten.

Sometimes, we're just in the thick of it. It's dark, it's messy, and there's not much ahead that we can see. I don't have a story yet of "oh, this was really awful but then this wonderful thing happened and it all worked out!". In the midst of this bleakness I have to hang on to tiny moments, like the kindness of a bartender or a smile from a stranger or the warmth of the fall sunshine. The heartiness of chili paired with elbow noodles and the sweetness of red wine from a friend. Tiny tethers pulling me to life and meaning, one moment at a time.

This moment, I am finishing typing out this post to either someone or no one. But I am okay, in this moment. And I hang on to that.

Goodnight, friends.

"Texting through sweaty and tired eyes"

I sit here listening to the sounds of the street outside, and take a glance at my new succulents. I know they say succulents are easy, but I've unfortunately killed 3 of them already. Please don't judge me. Or do, because I probably shouldn't be a plant owner. Hoping that the 4th time is a charm!

I'm reflecting on tidying. I've recently read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo, and I liked it! I wasn't ready to read it when the rest of the world read it, but then I quit my job and had to stare at my messy apartment day after day. I got tired of stuff piling up and decided enough was enough when I came across it at the library.

(I probably shouldn't mention that I did not start reading it until we were driving back to the library to turn it back in. In a dramatic moment, I decided to keep it and continue to read it. It is currently overdue...sorry library.)

I started with clothes as directed, and prepared to tackle bags and bags of clothes that I also had stored away in my closet to donate "later". I threw them all in a towering pile, decided what sparked joy (or something similar), and thanked the ones that served me well. 15 bags of donations later (?!), I feel lighter.

My real goal for tidying was mental clarity. I was hoping to have a "eureka!" moment as that last bag hit the donation bin; as if magically I would feel comfortable about my life and confident in my next steps. But, unfortunately it didn't work like that. Although I've definitely felt a difference and will likely continue to as I clean out things that are no longer needed, I've still been in a bit of a haze. Since leaving work in March, I've felt empowered and relieved. But also, lost. My work identity was solid, whereas my identity outside of work was not so solid.

My work identity was confident. Assertive. Whenever I saw a need, I addressed it quickly and efficiently. I've always done well at my jobs and I've almost always gotten what I needed from people just by figuring out the necessary way to ask for it. There were roles, rules, and structure, and tangible ways to get from A to B. I liked that and thrived in that.

I happily let my identity outside of work be engulfed by others whenever possible, and usually those that were in close proximity. I'm thankful to be dating someone who doesn't let me be engulfed, but it's also forced me to really figure out myself apart from everyone else. I'm still working that out, but it's feeling more solid day by day. I'll probably have further learnings to share at a later point.

So, there's not really a conclusion to this post. I haven't reached a point of stability or clarity, but I have new succulents and clean closets and room to breathe and figure it out. I have people who love me and encourage my growth and my new career path. I have coffee with vanilla and oat milk. I learn new things from both my physical therapist and my emotional therapist. It's not 100 degrees out right now. Gratitude is a wonderful thing.

Thanks for reading, friends.

Wake Up.

Wake up.
Life isn't what you thought it would be.
You've been living in a bubble, seeing only what you want to see.
Seeing only what you need to see to keep the peace.

Dig deep with friends and leave family shallow.
A history kept under wraps
But you knew it was bad.
So you had to be good, to be better. To be wanted. To be easy.
Easy, like the past never was.

Follow instructions. To this assignment. To life.
Let others keep to themselves, don't ask the hard questions.
Friend to all,
Yet a stranger to yourself.
People like you better when you
reflect them back to themselves.
Don't rock the boat.
Don't be unlikeable.
Discard yourself for others.
Easy.
Until it's not, and you realize that someone made those up.
Who made these instructions, anyway?
Wake up.